Posts tagged with “love”.


I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/



Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.



The fact that Elena dropped me like a hot potato has been bugging me since I had that dream. On one hand, she really didn’t have any obligation to me. We weren’t going out, after all. But, I thought we were friends. It really does hurt, that she couldn’t even be bothered to write me once, if even to say she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. =(

Is it enough to snuff the torch I carry/carried for her? I can’t be sure. I wish I could say yes, because this unrequited love I have for her usually borders on painful. =(

But, the lovesick puppy I am, I’d probably eat mud pies if it would make her happy. =/

Love sucks.



Remembered two dreams I had last night. Weird how they came back to me in the middle of the day. =/

The first was set in our old Langhorne home. I was bringing a female friend home. Not for nookie or anything like that. She wasn’t a girlfriend, I know that. Just a friend who happened to be a girl.

Anyway, she met Elena, who was there for some reason. Then I have to leave the house for some reason. I’m not gone long, maybe 30 minutes. When I come back I find one girl straddling the others lap (I don’t remember who). They are kissing. Some might say lip locked.

I just stand in the doorway, frozen. When I can finally speak, I can just ask “Oh. So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh?” The girl on top breaks the kiss and says, unapologetically, “Yeah, it is.”

That woke me up in the night, I guess it was a nightmare. =/ Even in my dreams I pine for, but can never have, Elena. She’s always just outside my reach. =(

The second dream had me working for Geek Squad again, but Best Buy had gone out of business. So Geek Squad was acquired by Radio Shack, of all outfits.

So it was a busy time in the store, and I’m trying to keep ahead. Suddenly someone tells me the coffin cooler where the milk is stored has failed, and the milk is going to spoil. Yes, in the middle of Radio Shack was a coffin cooler with gallon jugs of milk in it. I feel the jugs and, sure enough, they are just below room temperature. The cooler failed a while ago. All I can think of is “I have no idea how to fix this!”. Yet I know I must, as Radio Shack now sells milk, and I don’t want to let my employer down.

Then I woke up. =/

It’s strange. I never used to remember my dreams. Now I am all of a sudden, and both deal with my being incapable of getting what I want. =(

On the other hand, today I really have an urge to learn how to solder. =/



Temp has gone down faster than a freshman at her first party. ;) Brrrrr. Luckily, hot chocolate to the rescue. Super-yummy.

Spoke to parents. Mom hasn’t ordered journals or LDS 12-step stuff yet. Slightly disappointed, but won’t let it bug me.

Speaking of which… realized the other day that I’ll never see “buggy” again. Made me sad.

Jennifer wasn’t perfect, but she deserved better than what I offered her. I killed that marriage by inches.

I still love her, but I’m not in love with her, if that makes any sense. She shared 15 years of my life with me. No matter what else, I’ll thank her for those good times. I think the best way to honor those years is to not allow the mistakes I made during them to reappear.

All experiences can be learned from, if one is willing to put aside their pride.



Woke up with Elena on my mind. I think she will forever be “the one that got away” to me. Which is stupid, because if we carry the metaphor along, she was never even on my hook. =/

Still, I loved her. I still love her. I will probably always be in love with her. I always thought the concept of “love at first sight” was cliché, but here I am, a living testament to it.

I remember the first time I saw her. She was talking to Nikki I believe in computers. She was leaning against one of the tables and laughing. It was then that my heart crossed the line. I didn’t even know her name yet, but I knew I wanted her in my life. Forever.

But it’s all for naught. She won’t even write me. I don’t blame her. I had plenty of opportunity to tell her what I was facing, but never did. Besides that, the charge itself is pretty gruesome. =/

Realizing she’s gone, and accepting it are two totally different things.



Had a good visit w/ Mom & Dad on Saturday. Have an appointment at mental health tomorrow. Hopefully it’s a counseling session, not a 5-minutes psychiatric consult. =/

Still having problems w/ impure thoughts, but prayer & scripture study are helping. :)

Received the info from Cynthia the other day. Strange to see my most personal details in black & white. =/

Pretty sure I’m not going to be pursuing a relationship w/ B. I don’t have much to offer her, in all honesty. Also, her previous record w/ relationships scares the hell out of me. =/

Really miss my freedom, and all that goes w/ it. =(



Finished the Q-Continuum book. Good build up, lousy resolution. =/

So “B” apparently warned Mom & Dad about her letter. She didn’t consider it a “Dear John”. I do. Honestly, I think I’ve wanted out of this relationship for a while. I think I’ll use this excuse. =/

Been a lazy day. They were right, it was treated like a weekend. *shrug*

Figured out that I’ll have 77 weeks to go this Thursday. Seems like a lot, but I really know it’s not. Doesn’t matter, starting to feel hopeless again. Feel like ramming my head into the furniture and/or walls.

Hope the library opens tomorrow. Want to exchange out my books.

Ok. Enough for now. Not loaning out radio to drawing dude anymore because:
1) Batteries should be getting low.
2) He’s reprogrammed #5 on FM1 twice now. =/



It hasn’t actually been a bad day. 49’er is pissy, but what else is new?

I’m broke because I financed Swamp’s get-rich-quick scheme. Mom & Dad remind me that they aren’t made of money. I feel horrible about asking them for money. =/

Mike just went whack-o… something about someone in the dorm saying something about Christianity.

Also submitted a request to the chaplin. Hopefully this one will yield a better result than the last. I really want my garments.

Also visited the prison library. Decided to keep track of what I’m reading & when. =)

Realized today is first day in almost 2 years that I’ve been single. Feel horrible that I’m not as upset as I think I should be.

Off to read my scriptures.



Kinda down right now. “B” sent a letter finally. She’s laid down the law, no visitation until after my probation is over. I can see why she did it, but still takes the wind out of my sails.

She also said she doubts my story. That hurt even more.

Got the feeling I’m being pushed away. Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s a relief or not. I’ve expected it since I went in. It certainly frees me up to follow my (new) dream of a transportation business. Having an absentee father is no way for a child to grow up. Trust me, I know. =/

But, at the same time… it’s better to have tango’ed at all, as they say in “Rent”. ;)

This might be why I haven’t received “Clash of Kings” yet. It if doesn’t arrive by next Friday, I’ll assume “B” never ordered it, and ask parents to obtain it for me. *shrug*

Winter is coming.