Posts tagged with “Jennifer”.


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Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

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“Super-Bowl Sauce” smells soooo good. :) Very garlic-y.

So, hopefully Scrabble set tomorrow. When I would play with Jennifer, I hated the game. She would trounce me every time, and it felt like she would belittle me. It’s strange. For someone with as large a vocabulary as I have, you would think I would do better at a game like Scrabble. =/

Been having this weird symptom over the past week. It’s only noticeable when I’m writing, but occasionally my eyes will rapidly go the entire range of motion left to right and left again at random. Actually, they run the range of motion two or three times. This is uncontrollable by myself. It barely disrupts my train of thought, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t at all. =/

I must keep tabs on it. =/ Hell, even if it gets worse, I don’t expect to get any help from Dr. Mayo. :(

~S

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Temp has gone down faster than a freshman at her first party. ;) Brrrrr. Luckily, hot chocolate to the rescue. Super-yummy.

Spoke to parents. Mom hasn’t ordered journals or LDS 12-step stuff yet. Slightly disappointed, but won’t let it bug me.

Speaking of which… realized the other day that I’ll never see “buggy” again. Made me sad.

Jennifer wasn’t perfect, but she deserved better than what I offered her. I killed that marriage by inches.

I still love her, but I’m not in love with her, if that makes any sense. She shared 15 years of my life with me. No matter what else, I’ll thank her for those good times. I think the best way to honor those years is to not allow the mistakes I made during them to reappear.

All experiences can be learned from, if one is willing to put aside their pride.

~S

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Received a letter from Ed last night. Made me feel a LOT better to know she hadn’t abandoned me. Also received a postcard from “B”, though not sure if or how to respond to it. If there is no future for us, having her continue to spend money on me smacks of how I finished off Jennifer. =/

Parents told me that Jennifer knows I’m in prison. Oh well. I find I care less and less of her opinion of me the longer we’ve been divorced. Not that I want to become one of those stereotypical ex-husbands, but she has her life, I have mine. No matter how screwed up it is, it’s mine.

Erina knows as well. She’s avoiding me. Parent’s said she told them that’s why she wasn’t calling, for fear I would answer. This one does bother me. It’s not like I can be divorced from her, and I am her Godfather after all. =/ I’m hoping she’s not thinking I touched her, because I know that’s not true. =/

Anyway, off to nap before another grueling day of boredom in prison.

~S

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This will be my final blog entry. I’ve found out that my ex-wife and mother are reading this.

This website was a place for me to put my thoughts.

It’s no longer safe anymore.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

 

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Just woke up from a dream where Jennifer and I were in a grocery store buying stuff. We both had a craving for some chocolate so we went to the candy bar aisle and started opening packages and stuffing our faces. In the dream it went through my mind that we would have to pay for all this, and I hoped we had enough.

Then I woke up and realized that Jenn hadn’t bugged me in a while about our finances. For a couple seconds I was wondering why, it was unusual for her.

Then it hit me like a Mac truck. Ohhhh, yeahhh….

=/

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I don’t know why I try anymore. I really don’t. Everything I know turns to shit.

Married a woman. Thought I was happy. Had the house, the cars, the dog and cat.

OVER. Divorced. She’s pregnant from another man before the divorce is even finalized.

Fell in love with a great girl. Thought maybe she was the reason life had me go through the divorce.

She’s a bisexual and doesn’t reciprocate. I try to play it cool, be a friend, maybe see if she’ll come around.

Never does. Barely even speak to her anymore.

Find what I think is another great girl. She’s younger, but I thought she was mature for her age. She’s been through a lot, so I figure that’s aged her somewhat. She says she loves me, I tell her I love her too.

DUMPED. Sucks another guys dick before we break up. Never speak to her (not that I want to really).

Find ANOTHER woman. Connect to her on such a deep level. Love her. Talk about raising a family with her.

She’s married, an unhappy marriage. But now I’m the home wrecker.

I give up. I can’t ever get what I want, so why even try?

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m gonna die alone. I’m going to leave nothing behind. Nothing to say I was here.

I’ve failed. Everyone wants to leave their mark. Mine is in chalk. Bring the rain and erase all trace of me.

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I just woke up from a nightmare. I’ve been having them more and more lately.

I was trying to reconcile with Jennifer, this must have been just after we separated. It seemed to be set on college campus and I kept trying to find her. No mater which dorm room I went in, she wasn’t there. It was like I was always one step behind her. What’s worse is that she knew I was following her, and took steps to throw me off the trail. I distinctly remember checking room 264.

Finally, in room 564 I found her. Put the key in the lock, open the door and just see her under the covers with a guy on top of her, also under the covers. Right when the door opens he said “Please don’t tell my parents!”

I remember sitting on a bed on the other side of the wall and  hearing them and feeling my bed vibrate with his thrusts into her on the other side of the wall. I remember thinking “Dear God.”, and feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.

I never used to have nightmares. Never. Now it seems like I wake up from one at least once a week.

Gonna head back to bed. Hope that I don’t have another one. =/

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Meat Loaf Is Nothing Sacred

If a love as strong as ours
Couldn’t make it all the way,
Can anything make sense at all?

If a love so deep and true
Couldn’t stand the test of time,
Then mount everest could slide,
And jeruselem could fall.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I can hear the final words
Every sentence that was said
Don’t know what turned our lives around.

It doesn’t matter who was right,
There’s no justice in a dream.
Never thought a heart could break
Without making any sound.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,

Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye
If we can say good-bye
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Our love was as certain as the dawn,
As solid and save as any love could be.

Our love was the star you wished upon,
And you thought that i saved you,
Could’ve sworn that you saved me.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye…

Is nothing sacred anymore…
Is nothing sacred anymore…
Is nothing sacred anymore…

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I just got off the phone with Jenn, who called me for tech support (what else is new?). She was on the road, complaining that her butt was asleep. She was just about to pull off for gas and to pee (doing the smart “don’t stop unless you do more than one thing” rule).

She was acting awfully strange, saying she was on the road, but she didn’t really wanna say where she was going. Eventually she said she was going to Virginia Beach, but didn’t say why. I didn’t ask.

I’m pretty sure she’s going to see a guy, but I didn’t want confirmation on this. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m getting a divorce, we are separated, but technically she’s still my wife.

I mean, I understand that eventually we are going to start seeing other people. But it still seems like a slap in the face that she is doing so before the ink is even on the page, let alone dry.

Maybe I’m just being overly sensative, but this really makes me sad. Am I that easily tossed aside?