Posts tagged with “Elena”.


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I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

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The fact that Elena dropped me like a hot potato has been bugging me since I had that dream. On one hand, she really didn’t have any obligation to me. We weren’t going out, after all. But, I thought we were friends. It really does hurt, that she couldn’t even be bothered to write me once, if even to say she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. =(

Is it enough to snuff the torch I carry/carried for her? I can’t be sure. I wish I could say yes, because this unrequited love I have for her usually borders on painful. =(

But, the lovesick puppy I am, I’d probably eat mud pies if it would make her happy. =/

Love sucks.

~S

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Remembered two dreams I had last night. Weird how they came back to me in the middle of the day. =/

The first was set in our old Langhorne home. I was bringing a female friend home. Not for nookie or anything like that. She wasn’t a girlfriend, I know that. Just a friend who happened to be a girl.

Anyway, she met Elena, who was there for some reason. Then I have to leave the house for some reason. I’m not gone long, maybe 30 minutes. When I come back I find one girl straddling the others lap (I don’t remember who). They are kissing. Some might say lip locked.

I just stand in the doorway, frozen. When I can finally speak, I can just ask “Oh. So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh?” The girl on top breaks the kiss and says, unapologetically, “Yeah, it is.”

That woke me up in the night, I guess it was a nightmare. =/ Even in my dreams I pine for, but can never have, Elena. She’s always just outside my reach. =(

The second dream had me working for Geek Squad again, but Best Buy had gone out of business. So Geek Squad was acquired by Radio Shack, of all outfits.

So it was a busy time in the store, and I’m trying to keep ahead. Suddenly someone tells me the coffin cooler where the milk is stored has failed, and the milk is going to spoil. Yes, in the middle of Radio Shack was a coffin cooler with gallon jugs of milk in it. I feel the jugs and, sure enough, they are just below room temperature. The cooler failed a while ago. All I can think of is “I have no idea how to fix this!”. Yet I know I must, as Radio Shack now sells milk, and I don’t want to let my employer down.

Then I woke up. =/

It’s strange. I never used to remember my dreams. Now I am all of a sudden, and both deal with my being incapable of getting what I want. =(

On the other hand, today I really have an urge to learn how to solder. =/

~S

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Woke up with Elena on my mind. I think she will forever be “the one that got away” to me. Which is stupid, because if we carry the metaphor along, she was never even on my hook. =/

Still, I loved her. I still love her. I will probably always be in love with her. I always thought the concept of “love at first sight” was cliché, but here I am, a living testament to it.

I remember the first time I saw her. She was talking to Nikki I believe in computers. She was leaning against one of the tables and laughing. It was then that my heart crossed the line. I didn’t even know her name yet, but I knew I wanted her in my life. Forever.

But it’s all for naught. She won’t even write me. I don’t blame her. I had plenty of opportunity to tell her what I was facing, but never did. Besides that, the charge itself is pretty gruesome. =/

Realizing she’s gone, and accepting it are two totally different things.

~S

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The day of the monsoons. ;) Three thunderstorms today. It was heavenly. Got soaked in the 2nd one, which was during dinner. Was very amused at people running to and fro, as if they could outrun the raindrops.

Good possibility that 49’er will be transferring dorms. Can’t say I’ll be unhappy to see him go. He’s like the grumpy old man in the neighborhood. If your ball lands in his yard, you just call it a loss instead of trying to retrieve it.

Mail call should be soon. I’ll probably get something from “B”, to which I’m glad. Still holding out a candle of hope that I judged Elena prematurely & she’ll surprise me with a letter. I know, I know.. fat chance. I’ve pretty much realized she has made her choice, but I still hope against hope. Feel guilty that, after all this time, still dwelling on Elena. “B” deserves a man who can give all of himself to her. Don’t feel as I can do that right now. Hopefully by the time I’m out that will have changed.

Also given up that Sgt. Bauers will meet w/ me re: garments & colored pencils. Trying “alternate routes” for the colored pencils. Have to think about who to speak to about having the garments shipped in. =/

Anyway, could almost here, and I’ve met my page-a-day quota. ;)

~S

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I’m drowning out Jeff’s singing at the moment. 101.1, thank you! :)

Well, obviously still alive. Skipped all my meals today. Figured 3 days w/o water would strain my system, if MythBusters is to be believed.

But, Mike talked sense into me, without realizing it. Thank you, Mike. Had a bowl of Raman and two faux-chocolate milks. Feel better I guess.

Though I did piss off 49’er by scooting my butt up on my bunk. Mike says he overheard 49’er say he would have to get rid of me like the other people he got rid of. Supposedly 49’er doesn’t do it himself, but “hires” someone to “start shit” w/ me. Honestly, I welcome the opportunity. It’s one way to get me out of here, albeit feet first.

Honestly must say I’m disappointed in Elena. No letter. I’m guessing we weren’t as good friends as I thought. Even if it’s not romantic, I thought she would at least write me. So much wasted time. Maybe this is Heavenly Father’s way of making me appreciate what I do have. =/

Enough for now. Maybe more later tonight. If not, tomorrow.

~S

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Wow, yesterday was chock full of drama… let’s start from the beginning.

Actually, let’s start before that. On Tuesday afternoon I told Jessie, one of the most popular managers at the store. There is a reason her nickname is “Mama Bear”. I didn’t give her the extended edition of events, like you readers have, just the cliff notes version. She’s going to try to schedule Ashley and myself on opposite shifts, so we don’t really have to interact. Since our precinct is so small, Ken and I are going to have to work together.

Ok. Now, back to our story.

On Tuesday night I decided I was being too hard on Ken. Yes, he screwed up. Yes, the boy shouldn’t have thought with his dick. But I couldn’t change what happened. I can’t change what he or she did. I can’t control their actions. I CAN control how I let it affect me.

So on Wednesday I was civil to both Ken and Ashley. Ken’s keeps saying how his entire life is spiraling out of control. Angering me, messing around with Ashley, telling his girlfriend about the affair (which she responded with telling him that 6 months ago she slept with another guy), telling me that his girlfriend just asked him to get a pregnancy test for her (he says the last time they slept together was 3 months ago and he used protection)….

Wow.. his life is even more fucked up than mine. But back to my story, it is my blog after all.

So I was just kinda watching everything from a detached standpoint. It was funny watching Ken squirm when I just zinged him with an offhand comment. mu-hahahaha! Poke, poke, poke. It was REALLY funny watching Ashley get confused by me being polite and smiling at her. After two weeks of us not talking, and suddenly this? Yeah, I’m evil.

So, I figured that she and I might as well have “the talk”. I told her we needed to talk about the situation. She indicated now. I tried to hedge saying that we really can’t have a discussion like this between clients. She replied that she had to take her mother to the airport in the morning and didn’t really wanna stay late. *shrug* Fine.

I asked what I did to have her treat me this way. Why did she just turn it off like a switch. She told me that her last boyfriend wouldn’t talk to her, and she didn’t wanna go through that again. Worst. Excuse. Ever.

“But.. you leapt RIGHT to Ken…” She explained he’s her neighbor. Even. Worse. Excuse. Ever.

“You sucked his dick…” She just did a small shrug. Not even an excuse.

I explained to her I just didn’t understand why. I did everything for her. I was her best friend. I gave her a shoulder to cry on, someone to wipe away her tears. If she didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with me, I wouldn’t like it, but I would accept it. But the way she’s acting, I can’t even have that with her.

She kinda teared up a little, then raised her voice a bit and started saying how she doesn’t want to talk to anybody. Everyone should just “leave her the fuck alone”. She started cursing in Spanish and then stormed away.

I was a bit shocked, but also amused at this. It was all starting to become clear how immature this girl is. I texted Elena (remember her?), since she and I have been talking more recently. She believes Ashley needs to be punched in the face. I told her that I’ll leave that honor for her when she visits later this year. lol

So she starts rapid-fire texting Ken. *rolls eyes* I let it go on for about 30 minutes. He’s trying to get rid of her, since she’s causing so much drama in his life too. Finally I get enough of it and text her.

“I’m not angry. I was, but now I’m just hurt and confused. If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s ok. Just please be honest with me. That’s all I’ve ever asked. It’s a small precinct. I know each time you text him.”

Suddenly, her texts to Ken stop. Amazing, huh?

So I’m talking to Ken between clients. He tells me that she didn’t even tell him that she and I were sleeping together. In fact, that she seemed to go out of her way about it. That the last time she slept with a guy was in November. Hmmm…. *looks down at penis* I remember being with her, don’t you?

It agrees, in case you were wondering.

He also tells me that she told him “I have no regrets about breaking up with him.”

You know, who is this person? Really? It seems like she changes her story more often than Robert Downy Jr. used to change drinks.

So I let her stew for another 30 minutes or so, she doesn’t text me back. Oh well… I figure I’ll be the bigger person…

WARNING: Here be texts!

(I think you will be able to tell who’s texting with each, but I’ll note them anyway)

S: “I guess your silence is your response. I have no choice but to accept it. I’m sorry that our last interaction will be you cursing and storming away from me. I was hoping that we could at least be friends after all this. You have obviously chosen otherwise. Please be gentle with yourself. You are better than you believe. If you’ve heard nothing else I’ve said, please hear that. I wish you happiness. I will not bother you again.”
A: “Do me a favor and delete my number from your phone. Treat me like i Dont exist. Harlots have on place in this world and i intend on leaving no marks.”
Elena (who I’ve been sharing some of the drama with): “As long as she admits what she is.” (God, I love Elena for that!)
S: “If that is what you truly want. I will do as you ask. But if you ever need me, I’m here for you.”
A: “Dont say that. Just hate me. Have me like you should for i deserve nothing less. I deserve every bit of pain i feel and Will soon feel. Dont look at me. Dont acknowledge me.”
(The “will soon feel” raised at red flag for me here)
S: “Look, You need someone to talk to. I might not like the choices you have made, but I’m still your friend. I don’t want to smother you, but I am worried.”
A: “I dont want to talk to anyone. I want to suffer. I want to torment myself because i deserve it. Its not your business what i do to myself. Pity not the filthy slut.”
(“not your business what I do to myself” REALLY has me worried. At this point I’m concerned she might try to hurt herself. I decide to leave work early and check on her. I’m trying to keep her talking now.)
S: “Tell me.. Does eating yourself up help your mood? I’m guessing not. Let me help you? Please?”
A: “No but pain and anger do. I don’t need anything”
S: “You need a friend.”
A: “No i don’t leave me alone”
S: “Stop beating yourself up and talk to me.”
A: “Leave me alone!”
S: “No. I refuse to let a friend wallow in self pity.”
A: “Then go fuck yourself. im turning off my phone”
S: “Stop being angry with me for being a nice guy.”

I arrive at her apartment and knock on the door. Her roommate answers. I ask if I can see Ashley. Hannah looks back into what I assume was the living room and I hear Ashley “Who is it?” “Stephen” “NO! I don’t want to talk to him! GO AWAY STEPHEN!”

“Ummm.. ok.. then can I visit with YOU Hannah?”

At this point Ashley storms to the door and starts yelling at me. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I just wanted to make sure she was ok. She says she’s glad I’m here, she needs to give me my shit. She goes off into the apartment and comes back a minute later with a bag containing a book I leant her, a bracelet I gave her, and a DVD. She keeps yelling at me. I keep trying to talk to her. I think what infuriated her the most was the more and more upset she got, I wasn’t letting it get to me. I just kept talking to her in a soft, calm, gentle voice. She eventually gets so worked up that she punches the hallway wall, stomps into her apartment, and slams the door. I hear her yelling at Hannah from behind the door. Classy.

I stand there for a minute, not sure if I should knock again, when I decide nothing good can come of me remaining. I shrug and get in my car and drive home.

I know, the ending is anticlimactic, but it’s true.. sorry.

Anyway.. I’ve typed a LOT this morning. I’m gonna go play some WoW. I’ll probably write more thoughts later.

-S

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I’ve decided I’ve spent too much time obsessing over Ashley. I’m gonna try to stop making couple sentence posts about her. This is a blog after all, not Twitter.

I know, I know.. it’s easier said than done.. but I’m gonna try. =/

I hung out with Ken today after the meeting. He’s actually a nice guy really, and he’s VERY uncomfortable about this whole situation. He has a girlfriend already, a new baby, and a 5 year relationship. It’s not without it’s ups and downs, but overall he seems happy with it.

Just in the time it took us to have breakfast, SHE texted him 4 times. None for me of course, but I kinda am coming to expect that.

*shrug* oh well.

In other news, I was having a problem with the blog overnight, but it seems to have corrected itself. Weird, but I’m not complaining. Anyway, off to make another backdated post about Elena. Remembering happier times will do me good. :)

-S

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Can’t sleep. Haven’t written in a while. Been texting Elena a LOT over the past couple days. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

She’s still with Nicole. I hate to be jealous. I know I have no right to be, but I am. The thought of her in someone else’s arms, male or female, drives me crazy.

But I can’t change that she loves someone else at the moment. I want to be happy for her… but in my heart I’m not. I guess that makes me a bad person.

Right now I’m trying to that thought out of my mind and be the best friend I can be… but it hurts. She knows she’s driving me crazy, and at times I think she enjoys the hold she has over me. I know know if that’s good or bad.

I think I’ve fallen in love with her.

I think I’m gonna get hurt.

I think it might be worth it anyway.

-S

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Pretty good day today. I got sorta into an argument with two clients. One decided that he shouldn’t have to pay for a backup 3 weeks after we did it because he didn’t lose any data. Jessie ended up giving him 50% off back as a refund. That’s $50 the store lost because the customer bitched.

Elena had a day off today. The store just isn’t the dame when she isn’t around. It just seems bleaker and gloomier.

I wonder what she would say if she knew I was fixating on her so much. I don’t think I’ve crossed the line into stalker territory, but my OCD has definitely chosen to dwell on her.

Perhaps some distance is in order. I don’t want to be cold to her, but maybe not “hang out” with her the next time we work together. Somehow I think that is easier said than done.

Anyway, blood drive is tomorrow at work, and I’m planning to give. On top of that I need to open the store, so I should get some rest. Ending for the night.

-S