Posts tagged with “divorce”.


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Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)┬áby MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

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“Super-Bowl Sauce” smells soooo good. :) Very garlic-y.

So, hopefully Scrabble set tomorrow. When I would play with Jennifer, I hated the game. She would trounce me every time, and it felt like she would belittle me. It’s strange. For someone with as large a vocabulary as I have, you would think I would do better at a game like Scrabble. =/

Been having this weird symptom over the past week. It’s only noticeable when I’m writing, but occasionally my eyes will rapidly go the entire range of motion left to right and left again at random. Actually, they run the range of motion two or three times. This is uncontrollable by myself. It barely disrupts my train of thought, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t at all. =/

I must keep tabs on it. =/ Hell, even if it gets worse, I don’t expect to get any help from Dr. Mayo. :(

~S

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Temp has gone down faster than a freshman at her first party. ;) Brrrrr. Luckily, hot chocolate to the rescue. Super-yummy.

Spoke to parents. Mom hasn’t ordered journals or LDS 12-step stuff yet. Slightly disappointed, but won’t let it bug me.

Speaking of which… realized the other day that I’ll never see “buggy” again. Made me sad.

Jennifer wasn’t perfect, but she deserved better than what I offered her. I killed that marriage by inches.

I still love her, but I’m not in love with her, if that makes any sense. She shared 15 years of my life with me. No matter what else, I’ll thank her for those good times. I think the best way to honor those years is to not allow the mistakes I made during them to reappear.

All experiences can be learned from, if one is willing to put aside their pride.

~S

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This will be my final blog entry. I’ve found out that my ex-wife and mother are reading this.

This website was a place for me to put my thoughts.

It’s no longer safe anymore.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

 

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Just woke up from a dream where Jennifer and I were in a grocery store buying stuff. We both had a craving for some chocolate so we went to the candy bar aisle and started opening packages and stuffing our faces. In the dream it went through my mind that we would have to pay for all this, and I hoped we had enough.

Then I woke up and realized that Jenn hadn’t bugged me in a while about our finances. For a couple seconds I was wondering why, it was unusual for her.

Then it hit me like a Mac truck. Ohhhh, yeahhh….

=/

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I don’t know why I try anymore. I really don’t. Everything I know turns to shit.

Married a woman. Thought I was happy. Had the house, the cars, the dog and cat.

OVER. Divorced. She’s pregnant from another man before the divorce is even finalized.

Fell in love with a great girl. Thought maybe she was the reason life had me go through the divorce.

She’s a bisexual and doesn’t reciprocate. I try to play it cool, be a friend, maybe see if she’ll come around.

Never does. Barely even speak to her anymore.

Find what I think is another great girl. She’s younger, but I thought she was mature for her age. She’s been through a lot, so I figure that’s aged her somewhat. She says she loves me, I tell her I love her too.

DUMPED. Sucks another guys dick before we break up. Never speak to her (not that I want to really).

Find ANOTHER woman. Connect to her on such a deep level. Love her. Talk about raising a family with her.

She’s married, an unhappy marriage. But now I’m the home wrecker.

I give up. I can’t ever get what I want, so why even try?

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m gonna die alone. I’m going to leave nothing behind. Nothing to say I was here.

I’ve failed. Everyone wants to leave their mark. Mine is in chalk. Bring the rain and erase all trace of me.

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I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. What have I contributed to the world? Have I made a difference? What does my future hold?

I’ved come to some stark realizations. I haven’t contributed anything. Sure, I’ve survived.. but what does that mean anymore? Yes, I continue to draw breath, convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. So maybe I’ve saved a plant or two. But so does the average sheep.

Have I made a difference? Nope. I know I had potential. I know people say I’m smart. Maybe I am. But I haven’t done anything with that. Nothing at all. I’m a divorced man 36-year old man, living with mommy and daddy. How pathetic. I work a job that more and more looks like a monkey could do it. The sad part? I actually enjoy it usually.

What does my future hold? I have no idea. I don’t even know if I hope to have a future.

Every night I drive home from work with my window down (have I mentioned that living in Florida in the summer with no AC and only 1 window that rolls down SUCKS?), and part of me hopes I’ll be car jacked. I figure one of three things will happen.

1) I’ll get shot or stabbed because I won’t hand over my car. I’ll actually dare them to kill me. =/ Just to release me from this husk of a life.

2) I’ll piss or shit myself.

3) I’ll be a smart ass and try to grab the persons arm and accelerate. I must admit a perverse amusement to this idea, seeing how fast they can run as I turn the tables on them.

Yes, I know I’m depressed. I don’t like having these thoughts. I’ve had them for over 6 months.

I put on a happy face. Rarely do I let people know that I’m dying inside, and long for the outside to match the inside.

I know I should get help. I know these feelings will lead me to a dark place where no good can come of it.

I just don’t care anymore. About me or about life. Let the rest of the populace scurry about for their cheese. I just want to punch my time card and leave.

Can I get my parking validated?

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Meat Loaf Is Nothing Sacred

If a love as strong as ours
Couldn’t make it all the way,
Can anything make sense at all?

If a love so deep and true
Couldn’t stand the test of time,
Then mount everest could slide,
And jeruselem could fall.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye
Is nothing sacred anymore?

I can hear the final words
Every sentence that was said
Don’t know what turned our lives around.

It doesn’t matter who was right,
There’s no justice in a dream.
Never thought a heart could break
Without making any sound.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,

Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye
If we can say good-bye
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Our love was as certain as the dawn,
As solid and save as any love could be.

Our love was the star you wished upon,
And you thought that i saved you,
Could’ve sworn that you saved me.

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

Is nothing sacred anymore?
Is forever just another word?
Is a promise something people used to keep
When love was worth fighting for?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye,
Is nothing sacred anymore?

If we can say good-bye,
If we can say good-bye…

Is nothing sacred anymore…
Is nothing sacred anymore…
Is nothing sacred anymore…

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I just got off the phone with Jenn, who called me for tech support (what else is new?). She was on the road, complaining that her butt was asleep. She was just about to pull off for gas and to pee (doing the smart “don’t stop unless you do more than one thing” rule).

She was acting awfully strange, saying she was on the road, but she didn’t really wanna say where she was going. Eventually she said she was going to Virginia Beach, but didn’t say why. I didn’t ask.

I’m pretty sure she’s going to see a guy, but I didn’t want confirmation on this. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m getting a divorce, we are separated, but technically she’s still my wife.

I mean, I understand that eventually we are going to start seeing other people. But it still seems like a slap in the face that she is doing so before the ink is even on the page, let alone dry.

Maybe I’m just being overly sensative, but this really makes me sad. Am I that easily tossed aside?

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I’ve come to the point where I’ve decided that even if Jennifer decided she wanted to reconcile, I no longer want that. I’m not mad at her, but I need to close this door and put a fence around my heart. She rang this bell, and no matter what happens in the future there is no way to un-ring it.

So, the long and short of it is that I might not like this situation, but I’m just going to have to accept it and move forward.