Posts tagged with “depression”.


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I’ve been noticing something since I started transcribing my prison entries. I’ve been kinda pissy and snippy. Also depressed. I guess re-reading them is having an emotional toll on me. I should stop… but I won’t.

I guess it’s the hight of hubris to think that one man’s prison experience is noteworthy. Hundreds are imprisoned every day nationwide. But… well, not to sound full of myself, I feel I have a way with words. I feel I really could convey and impart in a meaningful way the damage done to a psyche by incarceration.

SPOILER ALERT

Though, if I’m affected by this, I dread how I’ll feel when I have to transcribe the two attacks by prison officials against me, and the eight months of psychological torture by a cell-mate. =(

END SPOILER ALERT

I guess it’s just something that I’ll have to endure.

~S

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I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

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Was very warm today. Probably a precursor to this summer. Ugh! But, on the bright side, it will be the last summer I have to spend here.

They did a count at 16:30 and 18:30. Weird. Swamp seems to think it’s for them gearing up for 3rd yard. But, then again, Swamp has a theory for everything. =/

Looking forward to seeing folks tomorrow. It’s the highlight of my week.

Received a letter from Ed last night. Also a good thing. Going to write her back tonight.

Still down. Nothing changed there. Bleh! :P

Anyway, off to listen to some music and write Ed.

-S

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Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/

-S

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The rest of the day wasn’t as crappy as my morning. Which wasn’t hard to do, as it was a really crappy morning.

I wasn’t able to mail my books…. again. That’s two months today that I’ve been trying. However, I was assured that if I show up for legal mail tomorrow, I’ll be able to mail the books. *knock on wood*

It stands to reason, as I have a property call-out at 10 am. I also have a mental health call-out at 9:30, and a canteen call-out at 13:45.

Stephen is going to be busy tomorrow. :)

Less than 100 pages to go on Dance with Dragons. :) I’ll probably be sad when I have to wait for the next book to be released.

Swift and what’s-his-face think it’s hilarious that I keep a journal. :/ F ’em. It helps me, so I’m gonna keep doing it. Making fun of me for doing it is just bullying. Lord knows I’ve seen enough of that in my time. :/

~S

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Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)┬áby MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

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So my hatred of American Idol is cemented. We were kicked off of the TV so people could watch AI. Grrrrr. Tonight is the new episode too. It’s not like the inmates can vote either, so what’s the appeal?

Of course, to be fair, I was interested in the Presidential race too, and I couldn’t vote. But it’s still a sad state of affairs when American Idol gets a more passionate and vocal support base than the fate of the free world. =/

Grrrr. I’m really pissy right now. I want to punch something.

I think I’ll lay down and try to relax/calm down. I seriously considered having an accident with the TV. A “scorched earth” even, if you will. That wouldn’t win me any friends. =(

~S

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Remembered two dreams I had last night. Weird how they came back to me in the middle of the day. =/

The first was set in our old Langhorne home. I was bringing a female friend home. Not for nookie or anything like that. She wasn’t a girlfriend, I know that. Just a friend who happened to be a girl.

Anyway, she met Elena, who was there for some reason. Then I have to leave the house for some reason. I’m not gone long, maybe 30 minutes. When I come back I find one girl straddling the others lap (I don’t remember who). They are kissing. Some might say lip locked.

I just stand in the doorway, frozen. When I can finally speak, I can just ask “Oh. So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh?” The girl on top breaks the kiss and says, unapologetically, “Yeah, it is.”

That woke me up in the night, I guess it was a nightmare. =/ Even in my dreams I pine for, but can never have, Elena. She’s always just outside my reach. =(

The second dream had me working for Geek Squad again, but Best Buy had gone out of business. So Geek Squad was acquired by Radio Shack, of all outfits.

So it was a busy time in the store, and I’m trying to keep ahead. Suddenly someone tells me the coffin cooler where the milk is stored has failed, and the milk is going to spoil. Yes, in the middle of Radio Shack was a coffin cooler with gallon jugs of milk in it. I feel the jugs and, sure enough, they are just below room temperature. The cooler failed a while ago. All I can think of is “I have no idea how to fix this!”. Yet I know I must, as Radio Shack now sells milk, and I don’t want to let my employer down.

Then I woke up. =/

It’s strange. I never used to remember my dreams. Now I am all of a sudden, and both deal with my being incapable of getting what I want. =(

On the other hand, today I really have an urge to learn how to solder. =/

~S

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Having trouble keeping my thoughts pure. =( This concerns me, as it’s how I keep getting into trouble. I was doing so well too. =/ I guess this means I need to read more scriptures. Perhaps it’s also the adversary working in opposition to me. As the scriptures say “There must be an opposition in all things“.

Three day weekend spoiled us. It’s going to be hard to get back into the swing of things.

Need to ask Pic if he would have an objection to having his name placed on the temple prayer roll. I don’t anticipate him saying no, but it’s still right to ask. :)

Anyway, nothing new really to report in the past 12 hours. ;)

~S

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Soooo bored. We had a “fire drill” tonight. I think it was just an excuse for random pat-downs. *shrug*

Personally, I wouldn’t be opposed to fire drills whenever the officers notice smoking. Make it so much of a hassle… eh, who am I kidding? The inmates are going to smoke anyway.

I really think a lot of it is “Oooooh! Look what I’m getting away with!”. The “rips” barely have any tobacco in them. =/ So the smokers aren’t really getting a nicotine fix.

I must remember, when I get out, to add the whole wisk commercial shoot fiasco to my autobiography. Yeah, that was real smart on my part. A girl says I smell, and I say I’ll go away if she has sex with me. *eye roll*

God, I can be so stupid.

~S