Posts tagged with “dark thoughts”.


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I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

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Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/

-S

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Feeling down all of a sudden. Like, within the past 10 minutes. Hello roller-coaster.

It’s nights like this that are the hardest in here. It’s mostly quiet, so I just have my own thoughts to bang around inside my skull. It’s weird, normally I like the quiet. I’m a fairly solitary individual.

But tonight.. I vacillate between wanting to smash my head against the cinder-block wall, and just crawl under the covers and block out the world.

I miss so much. I miss feeling at peace. I miss a life where things make sense. I miss being surrounded by people who care more about what they can earn than what can be given to them. Or worse, what they can trick people out of. :(

I miss it all. I miss my life.

I miss.

-S

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This visit with parents went very well. :) Yummy food. They might visit again tomorrow, but Dad cautions not to count on it. Mom is avoiding the stake conference, so they are free. But, the unstated thought was that visiting me is not exactly cheap. Disney food prices without the Disney fun. :/

Nose is healing. I think in a couple days you won’t even be able to tell I faceplanted. Nose¬†is stuffy though. So might be coming down with something. Actually, it alternates between running and being stuffy, as if it can’t make up its mind.

Had a growing urge to pick back up “Ouroboros” recently. Re-read it tonight. Not as bad as I thought it was, regarding writing or how it was left off. I can definitely see how to pick up the thread again. But, do I want to? It endangers my sobriety, but is it better to get it out of my head? I know purging the JoJ story helped a lot.

Probably pick it back up, but not certain. Must think about it further.

~S

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Happy V-day to me. 53 weeks to go!! Hehehehe

It was a pretty good day today. Quiet and uneventful. Just the way I like it. Rained in the afternoon, but sadly no thunderstorms. Oh well, can’t have everything. :/

I’m looking forward to Mom & Dad visiting on Saturday. Not just for the food, though that is a bonus. :)

Begged money off family. Hope to put it to good use. Colored pencils should be in my possession tomorrow. Very much looking forward to that.

I feel my mania coming on. Also feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends. Started out this entry fine, but suddenly growing weary. Gonna sleep.

~S

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Credits were not on my music account today. Boo-hiss-pout. ;) Hopefully they will be on tomorrow. My 9 songs are all well and good, but listening to them over and over gets repetitive. =/

Sat in medical all of 2nd yard today to see Dr. Mayo and get the results of my lab work. Apparently I’m as healthy as an ox. My good cholesterol is 42 (normal range is 0-30), and my bad cholesterol is 180, which is on the high range of normal. Go figure. *shrug*

Either way, Dr. Mayo won’t treat me for IBS w/o a diagnosis of IBS. She seems very reluctant to diagnose me with it. Truth be told, she seems reluctant to do much of anything, even dispensing OTC anti-diarrhea meds. =/

I’m journaling now to avoid having to watch the evening news w/ Diane Sawyer. Liberals. Sheesh. They are sooooo aggravating.

Swamp is being his normal Swamp self. He sees conspiracies around every corner. If I ever get like that, I hope someone will put a bullet in my brain-pan. =/

~S

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Having trouble keeping my thoughts pure. =( This concerns me, as it’s how I keep getting into trouble. I was doing so well too. =/ I guess this means I need to read more scriptures. Perhaps it’s also the adversary working in opposition to me. As the scriptures say “There must be an opposition in all things“.

Three day weekend spoiled us. It’s going to be hard to get back into the swing of things.

Need to ask Pic if he would have an objection to having his name placed on the temple prayer roll. I don’t anticipate him saying no, but it’s still right to ask. :)

Anyway, nothing new really to report in the past 12 hours. ;)

~S

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Weirdest thing. My mind has been wanting to fantasize about sex stuff. I was just settling down to let it roam free, when it was like a curtain slammed down.. or would the analogy be better with “wall”?

Anyway, it stopped it dead in its tracks. It’s not like I was gonna jerk off or anything.. just fantasize. But it was like part of me said “No! You’ve come too far for that!”

I say “part of me”, but perhaps it’s from a… somewhat higher source. ;)

Either way, I’m glad it stopped the thought process in its tracks. :)

This scripture has been banging around in my head recently:

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Matthew 5:28

Pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

~S

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Merry belated X-mas! It was a good one, considering where I am. =/

Mom & Dad visited, and I gorged myself, as usual. Around 14:00, Bishop S came to visit as well. Strange to see him out of a suit and unshaven. Bless him for ministering to the flock. :)

Sid is trying to shake me down. =/ Swamp and I are trying to put our heads together to prevent it from happening further. Oh well, I’m not going to let it dampen my spirit. After all, he can only kill me once. Besides, I don’t think (or at least HOPE) I’ll be as much of a push-over as he thinks. ;)

Anyway, not much else to report. New Years is fast approaching! :)

~S

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Today is the one year anniversary of when I tried to kill myself. Spent a lot of the day reflecting. At 10am I was startled to think “one year ago, at this time, I was drinking my death drink.” It was kinda weird. Actually, no kinda about it, it was weird.

“The Church of Jesus Christ” service last night was a disappointment. I was really hoping it would have been an LDS service, but I guess I’ll have to wait until the New Year for that.

Brrrrr! It’s turned cold again. Yesterday was a pleasant night, now it’s chilly again. I wish the weather would make up it’s mind! Now I’m going to have to turn my mattress around again. =/

Ok. Enough for tonight. Time to turn my mattress around and read some scriptures.

~S