Posts tagged with “crush”.


x

I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

x

Remembered two dreams I had last night. Weird how they came back to me in the middle of the day. =/

The first was set in our old Langhorne home. I was bringing a female friend home. Not for nookie or anything like that. She wasn’t a girlfriend, I know that. Just a friend who happened to be a girl.

Anyway, she met Elena, who was there for some reason. Then I have to leave the house for some reason. I’m not gone long, maybe 30 minutes. When I come back I find one girl straddling the others lap (I don’t remember who). They are kissing. Some might say lip locked.

I just stand in the doorway, frozen. When I can finally speak, I can just ask “Oh. So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh?” The girl on top breaks the kiss and says, unapologetically, “Yeah, it is.”

That woke me up in the night, I guess it was a nightmare. =/ Even in my dreams I pine for, but can never have, Elena. She’s always just outside my reach. =(

The second dream had me working for Geek Squad again, but Best Buy had gone out of business. So Geek Squad was acquired by Radio Shack, of all outfits.

So it was a busy time in the store, and I’m trying to keep ahead. Suddenly someone tells me the coffin cooler where the milk is stored has failed, and the milk is going to spoil. Yes, in the middle of Radio Shack was a coffin cooler with gallon jugs of milk in it. I feel the jugs and, sure enough, they are just below room temperature. The cooler failed a while ago. All I can think of is “I have no idea how to fix this!”. Yet I know I must, as Radio Shack now sells milk, and I don’t want to let my employer down.

Then I woke up. =/

It’s strange. I never used to remember my dreams. Now I am all of a sudden, and both deal with my being incapable of getting what I want. =(

On the other hand, today I really have an urge to learn how to solder. =/

~S

x

Woke up with Elena on my mind. I think she will forever be “the one that got away” to me. Which is stupid, because if we carry the metaphor along, she was never even on my hook. =/

Still, I loved her. I still love her. I will probably always be in love with her. I always thought the concept of “love at first sight” was cliché, but here I am, a living testament to it.

I remember the first time I saw her. She was talking to Nikki I believe in computers. She was leaning against one of the tables and laughing. It was then that my heart crossed the line. I didn’t even know her name yet, but I knew I wanted her in my life. Forever.

But it’s all for naught. She won’t even write me. I don’t blame her. I had plenty of opportunity to tell her what I was facing, but never did. Besides that, the charge itself is pretty gruesome. =/

Realizing she’s gone, and accepting it are two totally different things.

~S

x

Can’t sleep. Haven’t written in a while. Been texting Elena a LOT over the past couple days. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

She’s still with Nicole. I hate to be jealous. I know I have no right to be, but I am. The thought of her in someone else’s arms, male or female, drives me crazy.

But I can’t change that she loves someone else at the moment. I want to be happy for her… but in my heart I’m not. I guess that makes me a bad person.

Right now I’m trying to that thought out of my mind and be the best friend I can be… but it hurts. She knows she’s driving me crazy, and at times I think she enjoys the hold she has over me. I know know if that’s good or bad.

I think I’ve fallen in love with her.

I think I’m gonna get hurt.

I think it might be worth it anyway.

-S

x

Pretty good day today. I got sorta into an argument with two clients. One decided that he shouldn’t have to pay for a backup 3 weeks after we did it because he didn’t lose any data. Jessie ended up giving him 50% off back as a refund. That’s $50 the store lost because the customer bitched.

Elena had a day off today. The store just isn’t the dame when she isn’t around. It just seems bleaker and gloomier.

I wonder what she would say if she knew I was fixating on her so much. I don’t think I’ve crossed the line into stalker territory, but my OCD has definitely chosen to dwell on her.

Perhaps some distance is in order. I don’t want to be cold to her, but maybe not “hang out” with her the next time we work together. Somehow I think that is easier said than done.

Anyway, blood drive is tomorrow at work, and I’m planning to give. On top of that I need to open the store, so I should get some rest. Ending for the night.

-S

x

Today was a pretty uneventful day. Went to work & put up with people who feel like the sun shines out their asses. At least, they seem to act that way.

Spoke with Elena today. Said I was sorry if I made her uncomfortable during the movie. She said I didn’t, which made me happy. I just hope she meant it, and wasn’t just being polite.

Why is it that every time I think about her, my heart goes flippy-flop and I get this tightness in my chest? Am I in love? Can I even be in love with her yet? She and I aren’t really dating, but I sure would love to.

She’s just so intelligent and caring. She accepts me and likes me for me. Coming from my background, is it any wonder I’m falling for her?

Yeah, I think I’m in trouble here, but it’s the most pleasurable trouble I think I’ve been in for a long time. A very long time.

-S

x

Had my first “date” with Elena last night. I’m so giddy when I think of her. It went well, we saw the 2nd transformers movie. It was good, what I saw of it. Honestly I was more interest in the beautiful girl sitting next to me. I was so nervous sitting next to her. This one really matters to me. It’s the first real date I’ve had since Jennifer.

Before the movie, I met her at the Tandori restaurant. I was worried she might just think we were friends, but when I saw the outfit she was wearing my heart jumped for joy. A pair of calf-length pants and a white & green floral top. Yes, that was definitely 1st date attire.

So we had a good meal. I didn’t order my usual Vindaloo –  I thought the prospect of breathing fire would not be goon on a 1st date.

She talked most of the time, which I didn’t mind. I just love to hear her voice. She’s much more traveled than I am, which is cool. She’s also a college grad, which is a bit intimidating with my “only some college” education. But she and I really seem to connect, which is why I asked her out.

Madeline is smelling me now, perhaps I give off some type of pheromone when I think about Elena.

Anyway, had a good meal and then went to the movie. I was a bit tricky & got my car parked first (the entrance we were originally at closed at 9:30) and purchased the movie tickets. She gave me a grin/dirty look, but I think she was amused.

Anyway, I was SO nervous during the movie… should I take her hand? Now? Now?

Finally, about 45 minutes in I just said the hell with it & reached out for her hand and held it.

She was so warm and soft. I thought I caught a small smile as I took her hand. Yay me! I couldn’t believe it was going so well.

But, alas, nervous Stephen and warm Elena hand makes for sweaty hands. I REALLY didn’t want to release her, but I figured a puddle would soon develop.

So I figured, what the hell again, and released her hand and with a simple “May I?” put my arm around her.

Ok, I was now a VERY happy Stephen. Not in THAT way, just happy to feel her on my arm.

The rest of the movie passed in a blur. To hell with the Autobots and Decepticons. My night could have ended there & I would have been content.

So, of course, good triumphed over evil and the movie ended. Awwww.

After the movie she went to the restroom & I waited for her. I could still smell her perfume/soap on my clothes, and it made me giddy like a school girl.

Yeah, I’ve got a bad crush on her, can you tell?

So she dropped me off at my car on the other side of the mall & said the words that I knew would be next.

“You are a really great guy, and I hate to be having this conversation with you, but I do have a girlfriend in New York.”

I was totally ok with it. Ok, maybe not totally, but I had expected it. We decided.. well, I offered that we could go out as friends the next time. I have to be careful of the dreaded “friend zone”.

I want to be more than friends with her, but if we only start out as friends I can understand. She did say that if she became single I would be the first one on her list.

It kinda sounds like a brush off, but I guess I’m gullible… I believe her.

So now I have a choice, do I try to wear her down & be a bastard to lure her away from her relationship.. or do I just be the best friend she could ever want?

I don’t think I could live with myself if I played the part of the bastard, but my heart goes thumpity-thump whenever I see her.

So I guess I’ve just be Steve & see what happens.

-S

P.S. –  Wow –  4 pages! You might think I like this girl or something.