Posts tagged with “cheated on”.


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Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

x

(Note: I’m releasing this letter “to the universe”. I doubt she even knows of this blog.)

Ashley,

I’m writing this because you refuse to discuss things like a reasonable person. I’ve tried talking to you, you’ve yelled and punched walls. I’ve tried time and time again to help you. You’ve decided you don’t want my help. From this point forward, you shall not have it.

I’ve felt so guilty at work. I’ve avoided you. I’ve looked away from you. I’ve tried to busy myself while you flirt with everything that has a penis.

No more.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you. I’m the wronged party in this whole affair.

I have no idea why you’ve chosen this path. I don’t understand how you can slap away simple friendship. You’ve accused me of “acting like a high schooler”. Yet, why am I the only one talking?

You aren’t worth my affection, and you aren’t worthy of my love.

I did love you. Fully and wholeheartedly, I loved you. You had my devotion, my respect, and my trust. How did you respond to this? You not only kicked me out of your bed, but invited another into it before my ass hit the floor.

You decided to end our relationship over the most trivial of reasons. I didn’t talk to your for 4 days. I try to reconcile, you bite my head off. I give you space, you kiss another man. I try to talk to you, you suck his dick.

You are the lowest form of trash I’ve ever known. You critique your sister because she sleeps around, but at least she’s honest when she spreads her legs. Both she and her current lover know it means nothing to each other.

You, instead, lead me on. You played the hurt, vulnerable girl to perfection. I helped you in any way I could. I comforted you, loved you, worshipped you. You ate it all up.

Then, over the slightest reason, you threw me away. But, no… dumping me would be too clean. You decided to kiss Ken while we were still a couple.

I wonder, would you have ever told me about it? Would you have let me continue chasing you around, trying to make a relationship work that you decided to not even try to salvage?

Part of me wants to curse you up one side and down the other. It wants to hurt you, give you the same pain you’ve given me. It wants to place you in the same black pit that you consigned me to.

It would be easy, so very easy.

But, unlike you, I’ll decide to not “act like a high schooler”. You won’t have my anger. You won’t have my guilt. You won’t have my heart, and you’ve lost all the respect I once held for you.

You do, however, have my pity. You’ve thrown away one of the greatest men you will ever meet. I did everything for you. I subjugated my desires for yours. I put you on a pedestal. If there was anything in my power to do or give you, I did it.

This is who you’ve thrown away.

I deserve better than you, and by god, I will have it!

You are no longer worthy of my attention. You are my co-worker, nothing else. If you choose not to communicate with me at work, the fault is yours. If it impacts your work, I will make sure that those in positions of leadership are made aware and you are held accountable for it.

You are nothing to me now. I will think of you as dead until the universe makes you so, and then I will think of you no more.

-Stephen

Now playing: Rush LimbaughWed, October 6th, 2010 Hour 1

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Ashley finally got around to texting me again. I swear, why did I ever get involved with her??

Once again, I didn’t edit either of our texts. What you see below is what each of us sent. I’ve tried to preserve the formating as best I can.

A: I understand that you’re mad and that you’re feeling hurt, but you need to stop telling everyone about my business. Its my business and ken’s. What happenede happened, get over it. We fucked up and we’ll deal with it our own ways. But you listen here, you stop talking about me or I will remedy the situation in a way that you will not like.
S: When you are ready to talk about this in a calm manner, you know where to find me.
A: There is nothing further to discuss. I will not go to you. I will not speak to you again. You got your warning now I suggest you heed it.
S: And you not speaking to me is different than now… How?
A: I am not going to speak to You. But if I continue to hear anything about what happened between me and you or me and ken from anyone I will remedy the situation. I won’t tell you how, but you won’t like it. That’s it.
S: This conversation is over. I do thank you, however, for giving me evidence for a prosecution in the event of any physical or monetary damages I might incur in the future. ta-ta!
A: You are truly an idiot if you think I’m going to hit you.
(I didn’t think she would hit me, I thought slashed tires or keyed car was more likely. It seems more her style.)
S: Once again, this conversation is over.
A: Apparently not if you keep texting me rofl.
S: And yet you keep texting me too. Nice broken phone, btw.
A: If I’m texting you how is it working? It works pertfectly fine. My god you’re acting like a high schooler.
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Do me a favor, if you’re gonna cry take a pciture and send it to me. I wanna see. =)
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Aw.. No picture? Thats weak bro. Have a great night!
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
(Later)
S: I’ll be the adult here. I will stop talking about you and your business. I was hurt and looking for SOME reason for your behavior, since you refuse to explain anything to me. But, understand that I don’t do this because you threatened me. I do it because, for 2 1/2 months, you made me happy. I doubt you will care why I did it, just so you got your way. Goodluck Ashley

x

With the bag of stuff Ashley gave me was a titanium bracelet I gave her. It’s a mans bracelet with magnets facing the skin.
How evil am I that I chose to wear it to work today? ;)
I’m evil, but lovable.

x

I can’t believe it. Now she’s starting to flirt with Bobby.

She seriously doesn’t know what she wants.

On the positive side, I’m not letting it get to me. And I’m talking with Ken again.

Bounce back?

– Sent from my iPod Touch.

x

You know.. for all my bravado, for all my words, for all this anger.. Ashley was still a part of my life. I cared for her. I don’t want to see her hurt.

This is why she stomped on my heart. I’m a nice guy.. I don’t know how to be anything but.

I’m about to leave for work, and I’m dreading if she’s there. As much as I hate what she did to me, I still go weak in the knees when I see her.

I know it’s not logical. I know I’m asking to have my heart crushed again.

But it’s who I am.. I’m an idiot. =/

x

Why is it always at night that my strength is better?

Thinking about all the crap she’s put me through, I realize that I’m too good for her. I’m not saying I’m the end all and be all.. but I never considered cheating on her. I never raised a hand or my voice to her. I put her on a pedestal, and tried to grow wings just to be near her.

One day she’s going to realize that she’s thrown away the one person in her life that loved her unconditionally. The one person who would have always been there for her, never let her down. I would have always been a shoulder to cry on, a person to kiss away her tears.

But she decided that it wasn’t good enough. She discarded me like I was nothing. It hurts.

But, I’ve come to realize, I don’t deserve the way she’s treating me. I deserve better than this.

She’s burnt a bridge. I’m on one side, she on the other, and the gulf is wide.

x

Ashley and I started to date about 3 months ago. I was a rough start from the get go, as she’s bisexual and told me outright that she prefers women. I had been kinda pursuing her for about a month previous to that. Looking back on it, perhaps it was the challenge that was part of the allure. Maybe it was the 16 year age difference. I don’t know. I would like to think it was because of her impish smile and warmth, as well as what I thought was her maturity for someone of her age.

Anyway, our first “hang out” (she didn’t wanna call it a date at the time) was to a movie called “Splice”. Very, very, very weird movie.. not a good choice for 1st date. It contained Inter species/genetically engineered life-form rape of a human female. As I said, VERY weird movie. Things went ok during the movie. She was a little upset with me afterward that I wouldn’t let her pay her way. She kept going on about her former boyfriend made her pay for everything. I informed her that maybe she should find out what a normal guy does for women he cares about. She threatened that if I didn’t take her money for her half of the ticket she wouldn’t speak to me. I thought she was kidding, so I said that “So you won’t speak to me.” She said “fine” and stomped away. I was kinda amused, but didn’t think a whole lot about it. A couple days later she texted me to apologize for her behavior. At this point I was interested, but considered her just a friend.

Fast forward about a week. She texts me to see if I can meet up with her at Steak & Shake to talk. I, of course, agree. Once I get there I can see she’s upset. She tells me that her sister (whom she’s living with), just quit her job and wants to move out of the house they are renting. Ashley won’t have enough money for rent all by herself. She’s going to be forced to move into an apartment with the deadbeat sister, Crystal. We talk for an hour or two, and she tells me all her sob stories of how she’s always been in her sisters shadow. How every guy she’s ever dated has been either a cast off from her sisters or her sisters have stolen the guy from her. How she was molested by her biological father multiple times over years. I see very quickly that she needs a friend, not a boyfriend. I tell her so. She seems comforted, and I let her know I’m there for her no matter what.

June 19th, around 1am she starts texting me how her sister is out of the house and she wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. It was after work and I was slow on the uptake. I told her sure, but it would have to be in the morning, as it was so late. I told her even if I came over right then and there, I would just go to sleep. She tells me that she wasn’t gonna kick me out and wanted me to spend the night. After a couple “Ummm.. are you saying what I think you are saying?” I get her address and head over, very nervous. This isn’t my thing to just hook up with a woman. Without going into detail, we were intimate.

I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep that night, even afterward. I just stayed up all night, thinking, watching her sleep, etc. In the morning I asked if she wanted a relationship or if we were just gonna be FWB. She tells me FWB is all she can do right now. I’m still in shock at this point.

If it had been a casual thing, I know the decorum would be to stay the night and tell her I’d call her sometime. I’m not that guy. I like this girl. We head out to Denny’s and have breakfast together. We laugh and joke, she gets a call on her cell from work asking if she wants to pick up a shift, she blows them off. It was a good morning, one of the best I had in a while.

She tells me at work we can’t give any indication that we are sleeping together. She said it’s no-ones business but our own. I agree, respecting her privacy and not wanting to drag her reputation through the mud.

We meet up a couple more times and she meets the parents. I really start to fall for her. I’m a romantic, what can I say? I finally take the plunge and tell her how I feel about her. She’s didn’t seem surprised, but told me should couldn’t say those words back to me. She’s been hurt before and doesn’t want to risk having her heart broken. I’m ok with that, I just wanted her to know how I felt about her.

We continue meeting here and there. She’s short on funds, so I loan her a bit of money so she can eat. I tell her the only condition to this loan is that her sister sees NONE of it. From what she’s been telling me, her sister will eat her food, dirty her dishes, and complain that Ashley doesn’t keep the apartment clean. Keep in mind, this is the unemployed sister who sits around the house all day and inviting her many boyfriends over for fun times.

Around this time, while blushing she asks if I want to be her boyfriend. A little high-schoolish, but ok. I, of course, agree and words of love are spoken by both of us. She still doesn’t want to tell anyone about us. I can’t quite understand this, as we are a honest to goodness couple now. She says it’s important. That’s it’s our personal lives. Reluctantly, I agree.

We  decide to celebrate her birthday by hitting a theme park. I loan her some money to buy an annual pass to Universal. Why did I not buy her an annual pass for her birthday, you ask? Because I had already bought her gifts, wrapped them, and given them to her. Much fun was had.

Our relationship passed well, I thought. Up until recently, that is. I had been starting to notice certain things about her. Not big things, just small things.. She was always complaining. Complaining about her parents, complaining about her sister, complaining about moving out from the apartment she shared with the sister, complaining about moving into a new apartment (She’s moved into an apartment across the hall from another coworker, Ken), complaining about her new room-mate, complaining about the gas not being turned on, complaining about how the hot water didn’t work in her bathroom. Complaint, complaint, complaint. I don’t really consider myself much of a complainer, and it was getting a bit on my nerves. I figured a day or two without me texting her might give her an idea.

Looking back on it, this was the turning point.

“A couple days” turns into four. On Sept 10th at 2:19 she texts me “You need to text me more. Yes, I am demanding this.” I didn’t really intend to ignore her this long, so I apologize. She complains that we don’t see each other enough, so we should try to talk as much as possible for when we can’t see each other. She tells me she’s mad at me. I tell her I’ll try to do better. This was right after I had clocked out of work, so I head home.

As soon as I get home I start texting her. Nothing major or earth shattering. I just wanna try to reopen communication. Small texts. Kinda letting her know I was making an effort. I didn’t want to tell her how her complaining had gotten on my nerves. I was trying to make up with my girlfriend. She shoots me down. “Can you see why I’m pissed off?” “I haven’t had the chance to see you in a while now. The least you can do is call me or send me a text or two. If you’re going to text me let it be something more than just ‘I love you’ actually talk to me please.” It gets my heckles up a bit, I will admit. I tell her she critiques me when I don’t text her, and when I do text her. I give up.

The next night, Ken talks to me and tells me that Ashley was very upset. I’m a bit confused, because she didn’t want me to tell ANYONE about us. He just says I should just talk to her. Even if it’s nothing major.. just talk, not text. I take his advice and call her that night. She’s totally disinterested. Keeps messing with stuff, typing, playing a game, etc. I talk to her for about 20 minutes, then close and tell her I love her. She blows me off and we hang up. No anger on my part, and I didn’t know of any on hers (but I was wrong).

Monday night I close the store and people are hanging out. Halo reach is about to drop at midnight. Ashley is there with Ken. Over the past couple days she keeps going on about how ticklish he is, how easy it is to get him to react. I tell her I can give her a ride home after she closes her department. I’m done around 9:10, and go watch the halo matches on the big screen TV’s. Around 10:30 I go an see if she’s still working. She’s just standing at the answer center talking to Ken. I ask if she’s ready to go. We leave and she asks if I’m upset.

I tell her that it’s nothing big, I just wish she was more respectful of my time. I was ready to go right after the store closed and I find her an hour and a half later just talking to another employee. As I said, nothing major. I wasn’t really all that upset. *shrug* I guess this was the excuse she’s been looking for.

She tells me she’s very upset with me about the phone call to her. That the only reason that I called her was because Ken told me to. I tell her I can’t figure her out. She doesn’t like it when I don’t text her, so I text her. She doesn’t like it when I don’t talk to her, so I talk to her. I also tell her she could have called me at any time as well if she wanted or needed to talk. She replies with “I’ve had nothing positive to say to you.”

This shuts me up real quick, and I retract into the furthest corner of my drivers seat. I don’t want to fight with her, and I know emotions are running high, so I clam up. I’m still trying to salvage things. I know that words can’t be taken back.

She asks to be dropped off at the office to her apartment complex. I do so, wish her a good night, and am on my way. That night I have a pretty good idea that things are about to reach critical. I pack her toiletries and put them in my trunk. I don’t want to give them to her at work, as I STILL wanna respect her privacy.

Tuesday, I’m looking for her. She’s off. I think about texting her to give her the stuff, but I’m still holding onto the glimmer of hope. I figure that once I do that, the nail will be in the coffin. I hesitate.

Wednesday, Ken is visibly upset. I ask if everything is ok. He hedges a bit, but eventually tells me that last night (Tuesday), Ashley kissed him and he kissed her back. He says it was just a moment of weakness. It’s a bit of a shock to me. I knew that Ashley and I were having problems.. but it seems she’s already trying to move on. We aren’t even officially broken up yet, and she’s kissing another guy. Another guy who is in a five-year relationship with a girl with a baby less than a year old. I guess I’ve been cheated on.

I figure that things are truly over, and text her to tell her that I have her stuff and need to give it to her. She ignores me. I text her again, telling her I really wanna give them to her. She ignores me. I’m tired of this by now. “In all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never been more than 3 minutes from your cell phone. Please don’t ignore me.” This gets an immediate response from her. “I wasn’t ignoring you, it was in the other room. =P” Riiiiiight.

So I go to her apartment and text her I’m there. She makes me wait a couple minutes, then comes down. Now it is all making sense why a couple days ago she suddenly started wearing makeup. Up until now, she’s been very against it. All of a sudden she’s a painted lady. =/

I give her the stuff, and tell her “I hope you find what you are looking for. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.” I’m STILL trying to be a good guy here. I don’t want to hurt her. I figure this is painful for both of us, let’s not try to make it worse. Well, it turns out to be painful, but only for me. =( This is the last time we spoke.

Thursday I’m off.  Friday I’m working with Ken. I’m trying to keep things cordial. He seems regretful about what happened. At least he is sorry, so I’m ok with him. It’s not an ideal situation, but it can’t be helped. Ashley comes in, bringing him lemon bars. I am in the corner, trying to ignore them. They hug. I see her later with her sister in the computer section, they seem to be waiting for something.

She never brought me food to work. =/

Saturday is our meeting. She only has eyes for him. He seems to be trying to avoid him. She’s not even looking at me. Afterward I try to hide in the break room, but Ken wants to see if I want to join him for breakfast. I agree.

Ashley keeps texting him. He tries to avoid her texts. He’s saying how he never thought he would be the guy to cross that line, and he hates himself for it. I tell him it was a moment of weakness, that he has a young baby, and a girlfriend of 5 years. He should think about them. He agrees. We work our shifts.

Sunday I’m off.

Today, between when JT leaves and Adam comes in, Ken finally tells me that something else has happened. It seems on Friday night, when his girlfriend was away, Ashley came over. I can already feel the lead ball in my stomach.

She blew him Friday night. I ask him why he couldn’t tell me this Saturday. He says he tried. Bullshit. It was just him and I having breakfast. It lasted for about an hour. You would think SOMETIME during that it might have come up “Hey, Steve. Your ex girlfriend sucked my dick last night. Sorry buddy!”.

So I had to stay away from him for the rest of the night. I left 30 minutes early because I seriously think I would have hurt him otherwise. I’m feeling so hurt and betrayed right now.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. I never raised my voice to her. I’ve never treated her with anything but respect and kindness. I’ve tried everything in my power to be the best boyfriend she could want. I’ve put her needs before my own. If there was anything I could do to make her life just a little bit better, I’ve tried to do it.

I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times this week. I don’t know where the woman I fell in love with has gone. I’m feeling so alone, and so completely exposed. I’ve been rubbed raw.

I keep asking myself, “Why this?” How many more ways can she betray me?

x

You know… Right when I start to feel better, I learn more about this whole Ken/Ashley thing that turns my stomach.
She blew him. Friday night. He took me to breakfast Saturday morning.
Fuck ’em both!

– Sent from my iPod Touch.

x

It’s been a good day today actually.

I mainly just sat around, watching TV, playing WoW and Aion. I also recorded for the pod. It’s been a very good day, very relaxing.

But, I think the crowning moment has to be when Ken told me that he has told Ashley that they can’t talk anymore.

So lets see…. she ditches me to be with him. Won’t speak to me. He snubs her because he’s in a relationship (BTW: bravo to him for that). She keeps pursuing, he tells her to fuck off (in so many words).

She’s lost a boyfriend, and two friends. Also, a bit blow to her ego.

I know I shouldn’t be happy about that, but… mu-hahahahaha *evil grin*.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?