Posts tagged with “break up”.


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Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

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Finished the Q-Continuum book. Good build up, lousy resolution. =/

So “B” apparently warned Mom & Dad about her letter. She didn’t consider it a “Dear John”. I do. Honestly, I think I’ve wanted out of this relationship for a while. I think I’ll use this excuse. =/

Been a lazy day. They were right, it was treated like a weekend. *shrug*

Figured out that I’ll have 77 weeks to go this Thursday. Seems like a lot, but I really know it’s not. Doesn’t matter, starting to feel hopeless again. Feel like ramming my head into the furniture and/or walls.

Hope the library opens tomorrow. Want to exchange out my books.

Ok. Enough for now. Not loaning out radio to drawing dude anymore because:
1) Batteries should be getting low.
2) He’s reprogrammed #5 on FM1 twice now. =/

~S

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What is this crap? I need to be up by 5am, go to bed at 1:30, and wake up at 4????

Seriously body, 2 1/2 hours sleep???

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Anyway.. yesterday I was thinking (that’s why the blog is called what it is!). I don’t like still being mad at Ashley.

Don’t get be wrong, I have NO intention of getting back together with her, nor even being her friend. But staying mad at someone for SOOOO long wears on you, you know?

I was in the break room when she came into it. I finished my drink quickly and left without even acknowledging her existence. We never speak unless it is about her need for me to create a work order for a client.

I know she’s dating someone at the store. I know who. I don’t really care.

I know she did what she did with forethought. She set out to seduce Ken, and she did.

I just wish she would at some point apologize for the way she treated me. I’d like to put this all behind me. It was never really closed.

But, I know she’s too immature for that. She’s a child, and she’s acting like what she is.

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It feels like I’ve been working a LOT recently. Which is odd, considering my hours have actually gone down over the last week or two.

Anyway, it feels nice to be getting my finances in order. I’ve totally paid off three of the four credit cards I have. This just leaves Capital One, which is the one with the highest balance. *sigh* It’s gonna be a while until that one is paid off.

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wtfisthis.JPG

I don’t know why I try anymore. I really don’t. Everything I know turns to shit.

Married a woman. Thought I was happy. Had the house, the cars, the dog and cat.

OVER. Divorced. She’s pregnant from another man before the divorce is even finalized.

Fell in love with a great girl. Thought maybe she was the reason life had me go through the divorce.

She’s a bisexual and doesn’t reciprocate. I try to play it cool, be a friend, maybe see if she’ll come around.

Never does. Barely even speak to her anymore.

Find what I think is another great girl. She’s younger, but I thought she was mature for her age. She’s been through a lot, so I figure that’s aged her somewhat. She says she loves me, I tell her I love her too.

DUMPED. Sucks another guys dick before we break up. Never speak to her (not that I want to really).

Find ANOTHER woman. Connect to her on such a deep level. Love her. Talk about raising a family with her.

She’s married, an unhappy marriage. But now I’m the home wrecker.

I give up. I can’t ever get what I want, so why even try?

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m gonna die alone. I’m going to leave nothing behind. Nothing to say I was here.

I’ve failed. Everyone wants to leave their mark. Mine is in chalk. Bring the rain and erase all trace of me.

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I just woke up from a nightmare. I’ve been having them more and more lately.

I was trying to reconcile with Jennifer, this must have been just after we separated. It seemed to be set on college campus and I kept trying to find her. No mater which dorm room I went in, she wasn’t there. It was like I was always one step behind her. What’s worse is that she knew I was following her, and took steps to throw me off the trail. I distinctly remember checking room 264.

Finally, in room 564 I found her. Put the key in the lock, open the door and just see her under the covers with a guy on top of her, also under the covers. Right when the door opens he said “Please don’t tell my parents!”

I remember sitting on a bed on the other side of the wall and  hearing them and feeling my bed vibrate with his thrusts into her on the other side of the wall. I remember thinking “Dear God.”, and feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.

I never used to have nightmares. Never. Now it seems like I wake up from one at least once a week.

Gonna head back to bed. Hope that I don’t have another one. =/

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(Note: I’m releasing this letter “to the universe”. I doubt she even knows of this blog.)

Ashley,

I’m writing this because you refuse to discuss things like a reasonable person. I’ve tried talking to you, you’ve yelled and punched walls. I’ve tried time and time again to help you. You’ve decided you don’t want my help. From this point forward, you shall not have it.

I’ve felt so guilty at work. I’ve avoided you. I’ve looked away from you. I’ve tried to busy myself while you flirt with everything that has a penis.

No more.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you. I’m the wronged party in this whole affair.

I have no idea why you’ve chosen this path. I don’t understand how you can slap away simple friendship. You’ve accused me of “acting like a high schooler”. Yet, why am I the only one talking?

You aren’t worth my affection, and you aren’t worthy of my love.

I did love you. Fully and wholeheartedly, I loved you. You had my devotion, my respect, and my trust. How did you respond to this? You not only kicked me out of your bed, but invited another into it before my ass hit the floor.

You decided to end our relationship over the most trivial of reasons. I didn’t talk to your for 4 days. I try to reconcile, you bite my head off. I give you space, you kiss another man. I try to talk to you, you suck his dick.

You are the lowest form of trash I’ve ever known. You critique your sister because she sleeps around, but at least she’s honest when she spreads her legs. Both she and her current lover know it means nothing to each other.

You, instead, lead me on. You played the hurt, vulnerable girl to perfection. I helped you in any way I could. I comforted you, loved you, worshipped you. You ate it all up.

Then, over the slightest reason, you threw me away. But, no… dumping me would be too clean. You decided to kiss Ken while we were still a couple.

I wonder, would you have ever told me about it? Would you have let me continue chasing you around, trying to make a relationship work that you decided to not even try to salvage?

Part of me wants to curse you up one side and down the other. It wants to hurt you, give you the same pain you’ve given me. It wants to place you in the same black pit that you consigned me to.

It would be easy, so very easy.

But, unlike you, I’ll decide to not “act like a high schooler”. You won’t have my anger. You won’t have my guilt. You won’t have my heart, and you’ve lost all the respect I once held for you.

You do, however, have my pity. You’ve thrown away one of the greatest men you will ever meet. I did everything for you. I subjugated my desires for yours. I put you on a pedestal. If there was anything in my power to do or give you, I did it.

This is who you’ve thrown away.

I deserve better than you, and by god, I will have it!

You are no longer worthy of my attention. You are my co-worker, nothing else. If you choose not to communicate with me at work, the fault is yours. If it impacts your work, I will make sure that those in positions of leadership are made aware and you are held accountable for it.

You are nothing to me now. I will think of you as dead until the universe makes you so, and then I will think of you no more.

-Stephen

Now playing: Rush LimbaughWed, October 6th, 2010 Hour 1

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I have to admit, I’m looking forward to work today. Splice drops today, and that’s the movie Ashley and I saw on our first date. It’s gonna be interesting if she’s at work today with a constant reminder of our first date. Mu-hahahahahaha.

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Ashley finally got around to texting me again. I swear, why did I ever get involved with her??

Once again, I didn’t edit either of our texts. What you see below is what each of us sent. I’ve tried to preserve the formating as best I can.

A: I understand that you’re mad and that you’re feeling hurt, but you need to stop telling everyone about my business. Its my business and ken’s. What happenede happened, get over it. We fucked up and we’ll deal with it our own ways. But you listen here, you stop talking about me or I will remedy the situation in a way that you will not like.
S: When you are ready to talk about this in a calm manner, you know where to find me.
A: There is nothing further to discuss. I will not go to you. I will not speak to you again. You got your warning now I suggest you heed it.
S: And you not speaking to me is different than now… How?
A: I am not going to speak to You. But if I continue to hear anything about what happened between me and you or me and ken from anyone I will remedy the situation. I won’t tell you how, but you won’t like it. That’s it.
S: This conversation is over. I do thank you, however, for giving me evidence for a prosecution in the event of any physical or monetary damages I might incur in the future. ta-ta!
A: You are truly an idiot if you think I’m going to hit you.
(I didn’t think she would hit me, I thought slashed tires or keyed car was more likely. It seems more her style.)
S: Once again, this conversation is over.
A: Apparently not if you keep texting me rofl.
S: And yet you keep texting me too. Nice broken phone, btw.
A: If I’m texting you how is it working? It works pertfectly fine. My god you’re acting like a high schooler.
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Do me a favor, if you’re gonna cry take a pciture and send it to me. I wanna see. =)
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Aw.. No picture? Thats weak bro. Have a great night!
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
(Later)
S: I’ll be the adult here. I will stop talking about you and your business. I was hurt and looking for SOME reason for your behavior, since you refuse to explain anything to me. But, understand that I don’t do this because you threatened me. I do it because, for 2 1/2 months, you made me happy. I doubt you will care why I did it, just so you got your way. Goodluck Ashley

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Ashley is at work today.. and she’s TOTALLY ignoring me.

Is it wrong that I take pleasure in her discomfort?

I used to be such a nice guy. ;)

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With the bag of stuff Ashley gave me was a titanium bracelet I gave her. It’s a mans bracelet with magnets facing the skin.
How evil am I that I chose to wear it to work today? ;)
I’m evil, but lovable.