Posts tagged with “ashley”.


x

Ok, so it wasn’t tomorrow before my next entry. Thhhhhpht!

A thought occurred to me as I was listening to I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by MeatLoaf.

What makes me think I can be faithful to my next significant other/girlfriend/wife? Heaven knows I emotionally cheated on Jennifer time and time again. Ok, I wasn’t running around sticking my dick in random women, but I was still cheating by not allowing myself to be able to give 100% to Jenn.

On the other hand, I was faithful to Ashley. But that was a 3-month thing. Even I was faithful to Jenn for longer than that. =/

This is, what I think they would call in SAA, “stinkin’ thinkin”. =(

Perhaps I’m beating myself up unnecessarily, One is always one’s own worst critic. =( Grrrr.

~S

x

(Note: I’m releasing this letter “to the universe”. I doubt she even knows of this blog.)

Ashley,

I’m writing this because you refuse to discuss things like a reasonable person. I’ve tried talking to you, you’ve yelled and punched walls. I’ve tried time and time again to help you. You’ve decided you don’t want my help. From this point forward, you shall not have it.

I’ve felt so guilty at work. I’ve avoided you. I’ve looked away from you. I’ve tried to busy myself while you flirt with everything that has a penis.

No more.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells around you. I’m the wronged party in this whole affair.

I have no idea why you’ve chosen this path. I don’t understand how you can slap away simple friendship. You’ve accused me of “acting like a high schooler”. Yet, why am I the only one talking?

You aren’t worth my affection, and you aren’t worthy of my love.

I did love you. Fully and wholeheartedly, I loved you. You had my devotion, my respect, and my trust. How did you respond to this? You not only kicked me out of your bed, but invited another into it before my ass hit the floor.

You decided to end our relationship over the most trivial of reasons. I didn’t talk to your for 4 days. I try to reconcile, you bite my head off. I give you space, you kiss another man. I try to talk to you, you suck his dick.

You are the lowest form of trash I’ve ever known. You critique your sister because she sleeps around, but at least she’s honest when she spreads her legs. Both she and her current lover know it means nothing to each other.

You, instead, lead me on. You played the hurt, vulnerable girl to perfection. I helped you in any way I could. I comforted you, loved you, worshipped you. You ate it all up.

Then, over the slightest reason, you threw me away. But, no… dumping me would be too clean. You decided to kiss Ken while we were still a couple.

I wonder, would you have ever told me about it? Would you have let me continue chasing you around, trying to make a relationship work that you decided to not even try to salvage?

Part of me wants to curse you up one side and down the other. It wants to hurt you, give you the same pain you’ve given me. It wants to place you in the same black pit that you consigned me to.

It would be easy, so very easy.

But, unlike you, I’ll decide to not “act like a high schooler”. You won’t have my anger. You won’t have my guilt. You won’t have my heart, and you’ve lost all the respect I once held for you.

You do, however, have my pity. You’ve thrown away one of the greatest men you will ever meet. I did everything for you. I subjugated my desires for yours. I put you on a pedestal. If there was anything in my power to do or give you, I did it.

This is who you’ve thrown away.

I deserve better than you, and by god, I will have it!

You are no longer worthy of my attention. You are my co-worker, nothing else. If you choose not to communicate with me at work, the fault is yours. If it impacts your work, I will make sure that those in positions of leadership are made aware and you are held accountable for it.

You are nothing to me now. I will think of you as dead until the universe makes you so, and then I will think of you no more.

-Stephen

Now playing: Rush LimbaughWed, October 6th, 2010 Hour 1

x

I have to admit, I’m looking forward to work today. Splice drops today, and that’s the movie Ashley and I saw on our first date. It’s gonna be interesting if she’s at work today with a constant reminder of our first date. Mu-hahahahahaha.

x

I can’t help it. Every time I see Ashley at work my heart skips a beat.

It’s weird, I’m not in love with her anymore. I don’t really even like her all that much anymore. She’s totally fucked me over.

And yet, every time I see her talking to a customer, giving a hug to a coworker, hell.. just even passing by, my breath catches and my heart drops a bit.

I don’t understand why my body does this to me. =/

I know that if she offered to get back together with me, I would turn her down. I’ve seen too much ugliness to ever consider that.

Friends? I’m not sure about that. After what she’s done, I can’t just act like it didn’t happen. I think that she will have to earn my trust back. I’m positive that she won’t be willing to work to gain my trust. She’s too selfish for that, and too proud.

Sometimes I wish I could just ice my heart. It would be easier, especially at work. =/

Now playing: www.forthehorderadio.comFor The Horde Radio – Episode Forty Eight – Useless Holidays and TLR. What Could Be Better?

x

…to whatstevethinksaboutashley.com. =/

1) What a difference three months make. Here is a text Ashley had sent me on June 29th. This was before everything went sour.

I’m sorry that I can’t yet say those three words for you. But I want you to know I do care about you a lot. You’re seriously my best friend. as a friend I love you. As more than that I can’t be sure yet. I do have feeling for you. I’m just still so very scared of falling in love again. One thing is certain though, I know I wanna be with you in the future. Wether its just a friends kinda thing or whatever, at the very least I want to be there anyway I can for you. =)

2) Ashley apparently got beat up by her sister the other day. I feel horrible that this actually makes me smile a bit. I thought I was such a nice guy, and now I’m taking pleasure in another’s misfortune. Mu-hahahahaha

3) Hannah looks like she’s going to be moving out of the apartment she JUST moved into with Ashley. From what Hannah says, it’s because her grades are suffering and that she’s gonna move on campus. This means that not only is she moving out, but she’s leaving the store.

When I asked Hannah about this, she said she’s gonna try to get Matt (her finance) on the lease. Colleges seem to take a dim view of couples living in the dorms unless it’s WAY on the edge of campus.

That’s right, boys and girls! Ashley is going to be living with a guy!!!!!

Now, to be fair, it doesn’t appear to be Ashley’s idea. Also, I’ve met Matt… I don’t think there’s much danger of them sleeping together or doing anything together.

But, I just find it oddly coincidental that Ashley has these meltdowns and Hannah mysteriously finds the need to not only move out, but leave the store.

4) I’ve finally gotten around to blocking Ashley on my cell phone. I’m tired of this drama. Everything she gets near seems to turn to shit. Enough of this. I’m done.

x

Ashley finally got around to texting me again. I swear, why did I ever get involved with her??

Once again, I didn’t edit either of our texts. What you see below is what each of us sent. I’ve tried to preserve the formating as best I can.

A: I understand that you’re mad and that you’re feeling hurt, but you need to stop telling everyone about my business. Its my business and ken’s. What happenede happened, get over it. We fucked up and we’ll deal with it our own ways. But you listen here, you stop talking about me or I will remedy the situation in a way that you will not like.
S: When you are ready to talk about this in a calm manner, you know where to find me.
A: There is nothing further to discuss. I will not go to you. I will not speak to you again. You got your warning now I suggest you heed it.
S: And you not speaking to me is different than now… How?
A: I am not going to speak to You. But if I continue to hear anything about what happened between me and you or me and ken from anyone I will remedy the situation. I won’t tell you how, but you won’t like it. That’s it.
S: This conversation is over. I do thank you, however, for giving me evidence for a prosecution in the event of any physical or monetary damages I might incur in the future. ta-ta!
A: You are truly an idiot if you think I’m going to hit you.
(I didn’t think she would hit me, I thought slashed tires or keyed car was more likely. It seems more her style.)
S: Once again, this conversation is over.
A: Apparently not if you keep texting me rofl.
S: And yet you keep texting me too. Nice broken phone, btw.
A: If I’m texting you how is it working? It works pertfectly fine. My god you’re acting like a high schooler.
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Do me a favor, if you’re gonna cry take a pciture and send it to me. I wanna see. =)
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
A: Aw.. No picture? Thats weak bro. Have a great night!
S: Goodbye, Ashley.
(Later)
S: I’ll be the adult here. I will stop talking about you and your business. I was hurt and looking for SOME reason for your behavior, since you refuse to explain anything to me. But, understand that I don’t do this because you threatened me. I do it because, for 2 1/2 months, you made me happy. I doubt you will care why I did it, just so you got your way. Goodluck Ashley

x

Ashley is at work today.. and she’s TOTALLY ignoring me.

Is it wrong that I take pleasure in her discomfort?

I used to be such a nice guy. ;)

x

With the bag of stuff Ashley gave me was a titanium bracelet I gave her. It’s a mans bracelet with magnets facing the skin.
How evil am I that I chose to wear it to work today? ;)
I’m evil, but lovable.

x

Wow, yesterday was chock full of drama… let’s start from the beginning.

Actually, let’s start before that. On Tuesday afternoon I told Jessie, one of the most popular managers at the store. There is a reason her nickname is “Mama Bear”. I didn’t give her the extended edition of events, like you readers have, just the cliff notes version. She’s going to try to schedule Ashley and myself on opposite shifts, so we don’t really have to interact. Since our precinct is so small, Ken and I are going to have to work together.

Ok. Now, back to our story.

On Tuesday night I decided I was being too hard on Ken. Yes, he screwed up. Yes, the boy shouldn’t have thought with his dick. But I couldn’t change what happened. I can’t change what he or she did. I can’t control their actions. I CAN control how I let it affect me.

So on Wednesday I was civil to both Ken and Ashley. Ken’s keeps saying how his entire life is spiraling out of control. Angering me, messing around with Ashley, telling his girlfriend about the affair (which she responded with telling him that 6 months ago she slept with another guy), telling me that his girlfriend just asked him to get a pregnancy test for her (he says the last time they slept together was 3 months ago and he used protection)….

Wow.. his life is even more fucked up than mine. But back to my story, it is my blog after all.

So I was just kinda watching everything from a detached standpoint. It was funny watching Ken squirm when I just zinged him with an offhand comment. mu-hahahaha! Poke, poke, poke. It was REALLY funny watching Ashley get confused by me being polite and smiling at her. After two weeks of us not talking, and suddenly this? Yeah, I’m evil.

So, I figured that she and I might as well have “the talk”. I told her we needed to talk about the situation. She indicated now. I tried to hedge saying that we really can’t have a discussion like this between clients. She replied that she had to take her mother to the airport in the morning and didn’t really wanna stay late. *shrug* Fine.

I asked what I did to have her treat me this way. Why did she just turn it off like a switch. She told me that her last boyfriend wouldn’t talk to her, and she didn’t wanna go through that again. Worst. Excuse. Ever.

“But.. you leapt RIGHT to Ken…” She explained he’s her neighbor. Even. Worse. Excuse. Ever.

“You sucked his dick…” She just did a small shrug. Not even an excuse.

I explained to her I just didn’t understand why. I did everything for her. I was her best friend. I gave her a shoulder to cry on, someone to wipe away her tears. If she didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with me, I wouldn’t like it, but I would accept it. But the way she’s acting, I can’t even have that with her.

She kinda teared up a little, then raised her voice a bit and started saying how she doesn’t want to talk to anybody. Everyone should just “leave her the fuck alone”. She started cursing in Spanish and then stormed away.

I was a bit shocked, but also amused at this. It was all starting to become clear how immature this girl is. I texted Elena (remember her?), since she and I have been talking more recently. She believes Ashley needs to be punched in the face. I told her that I’ll leave that honor for her when she visits later this year. lol

So she starts rapid-fire texting Ken. *rolls eyes* I let it go on for about 30 minutes. He’s trying to get rid of her, since she’s causing so much drama in his life too. Finally I get enough of it and text her.

“I’m not angry. I was, but now I’m just hurt and confused. If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s ok. Just please be honest with me. That’s all I’ve ever asked. It’s a small precinct. I know each time you text him.”

Suddenly, her texts to Ken stop. Amazing, huh?

So I’m talking to Ken between clients. He tells me that she didn’t even tell him that she and I were sleeping together. In fact, that she seemed to go out of her way about it. That the last time she slept with a guy was in November. Hmmm…. *looks down at penis* I remember being with her, don’t you?

It agrees, in case you were wondering.

He also tells me that she told him “I have no regrets about breaking up with him.”

You know, who is this person? Really? It seems like she changes her story more often than Robert Downy Jr. used to change drinks.

So I let her stew for another 30 minutes or so, she doesn’t text me back. Oh well… I figure I’ll be the bigger person…

WARNING: Here be texts!

(I think you will be able to tell who’s texting with each, but I’ll note them anyway)

S: “I guess your silence is your response. I have no choice but to accept it. I’m sorry that our last interaction will be you cursing and storming away from me. I was hoping that we could at least be friends after all this. You have obviously chosen otherwise. Please be gentle with yourself. You are better than you believe. If you’ve heard nothing else I’ve said, please hear that. I wish you happiness. I will not bother you again.”
A: “Do me a favor and delete my number from your phone. Treat me like i Dont exist. Harlots have on place in this world and i intend on leaving no marks.”
Elena (who I’ve been sharing some of the drama with): “As long as she admits what she is.” (God, I love Elena for that!)
S: “If that is what you truly want. I will do as you ask. But if you ever need me, I’m here for you.”
A: “Dont say that. Just hate me. Have me like you should for i deserve nothing less. I deserve every bit of pain i feel and Will soon feel. Dont look at me. Dont acknowledge me.”
(The “will soon feel” raised at red flag for me here)
S: “Look, You need someone to talk to. I might not like the choices you have made, but I’m still your friend. I don’t want to smother you, but I am worried.”
A: “I dont want to talk to anyone. I want to suffer. I want to torment myself because i deserve it. Its not your business what i do to myself. Pity not the filthy slut.”
(“not your business what I do to myself” REALLY has me worried. At this point I’m concerned she might try to hurt herself. I decide to leave work early and check on her. I’m trying to keep her talking now.)
S: “Tell me.. Does eating yourself up help your mood? I’m guessing not. Let me help you? Please?”
A: “No but pain and anger do. I don’t need anything”
S: “You need a friend.”
A: “No i don’t leave me alone”
S: “Stop beating yourself up and talk to me.”
A: “Leave me alone!”
S: “No. I refuse to let a friend wallow in self pity.”
A: “Then go fuck yourself. im turning off my phone”
S: “Stop being angry with me for being a nice guy.”

I arrive at her apartment and knock on the door. Her roommate answers. I ask if I can see Ashley. Hannah looks back into what I assume was the living room and I hear Ashley “Who is it?” “Stephen” “NO! I don’t want to talk to him! GO AWAY STEPHEN!”

“Ummm.. ok.. then can I visit with YOU Hannah?”

At this point Ashley storms to the door and starts yelling at me. She doesn’t want to talk to me. I just wanted to make sure she was ok. She says she’s glad I’m here, she needs to give me my shit. She goes off into the apartment and comes back a minute later with a bag containing a book I leant her, a bracelet I gave her, and a DVD. She keeps yelling at me. I keep trying to talk to her. I think what infuriated her the most was the more and more upset she got, I wasn’t letting it get to me. I just kept talking to her in a soft, calm, gentle voice. She eventually gets so worked up that she punches the hallway wall, stomps into her apartment, and slams the door. I hear her yelling at Hannah from behind the door. Classy.

I stand there for a minute, not sure if I should knock again, when I decide nothing good can come of me remaining. I shrug and get in my car and drive home.

I know, the ending is anticlimactic, but it’s true.. sorry.

Anyway.. I’ve typed a LOT this morning. I’m gonna go play some WoW. I’ll probably write more thoughts later.

-S

x

I can’t believe it. Now she’s starting to flirt with Bobby.

She seriously doesn’t know what she wants.

On the positive side, I’m not letting it get to me. And I’m talking with Ken again.

Bounce back?

– Sent from my iPod Touch.