Very aggravated right now. Can people NOT construct a sentence without using “fucking” within it!?! Ugh!

I mean, I’m not a prude or anything, but this crude language is getting to me. It makes me almost want to cry with how often it’s slung around. It makes me want to sleep, I just want to avoid having to hear every 5th word being “fuckin’ this” and “fuckin’ that”.

Please, Lord, save me from this place. Save me from bashing my skull against the wall, just to escape. Save me from myself. =(

Short today. Having trouble holding it together. Gonna try to read and take my mind out of here.



I haven’t written for a couple days. Part of me says it’s because I’m running out of pages in this journal. But that’s a lie. There really hasn’t been a lot going on here.

It’s been cold the past couple days. =( I’m very much looking forward to home and windows that seal.

I’ve been fairly melancholy recently. Time seemed to fly by… until I got under a year to go, then the train seemed to slam on the brakes. =/ This sucks.

I’ve been listening to a LOT more classical music on my MP3 player. The classics reach a height of emotion and clarity that make recent music seem juvenile and ill-formed in comparison.

Swamp has been getting on my nerves recently. Almost everything he does causes my blood pressure to skyrocket.

Hell, I’ve been finding myself annoyed by LOTS of things recently. =/

Hopefully books will be here Friday to distract me.



It was an ok day today. Very quiet for the most part. On the way back from dinner we were locked out for about 10 minutes while 2 inmates were arrested for cell phones.

Great. This is all we need, an excuse for them to raid us more. *eye roll* The main thing that keeps us from being sent back to B-Dorm is that we aren’t pulling the crap that they were pulling.. until now. =/

But, on the bright side, I was able to upgrade from a plastic covered mattress to cloth. Softer and better in the summer. Woot! :)

Anyway, off to read more Star Trek. Hopefully my books will come this Thursday or Friday.



Finally we were able to get out to the “yard” today. The previous two days we were locked down for yard because of the “cherry picker” on the compound changing out light bulbs in the poles. Why they do this when the days are getting longer (vs winter and shorter) is anyone’s guess. Typical DoC thinking.

Speaking of DoC thinking, I’ve realized the entire system is set up against me, hoping I fail. This isn’t paranoia (and even if it was, I wouldn’t recognize it as such), but a designed effort to set us at odds with staff.

Instead of helping us respect authority, to live within the bounds proscribed, we are ordered around by caricatures of everything that would make us wish to rebel. “Eat now, taste it later!”, “Stand over here. Now over there!”, “No talking in line!”, “Stay to the right of the yellow line!”, “Pick up trash!”, and being yelled at by the most vocal voice in the chow-hall that there should be no talking in the chow-hall.

It teaches us to resent all authority, to look for ways to break the rules, to train us that rules are arbitrarily laid down without a governing reason behind them.

Can you think of anything more at odds with rehabilitation?



A thought occurred to me while watching “Jerry Springer”. (I know, such high-brow entertainment!)

Erina has chosen to estrange herself from myself and my parents. Myself I can somewhat understand, even if I don’t agree with it. But to cut off Mom & Dad is stupidity.

Not only have they done nothing to deserve it, but they are the last link she has to her father, besides myself. Sooner or later she’s going to want to learn of him. Her time is limited, as is all of ours. If she doesn’t want to speak to me, she NEEDS to talk to them. KFC was too young to really remember him, Karen is too loopy, I think, to be a credible source. Her mother is also a biased source.

If it was just her ass, so to speak, on the line, I would say she reaps what she sows. But Matthew deserved better than that. He deserves to be remembered. His children should know him. =/



I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/



Fairly boring day today, and that’s fine with me. :)

I finished 1984 last night. Sheesh, what a depressing book! I didn’t anticipate the shop keeper being a member of the Thought Police though. Now it’s all Fountainhead for me. Oh joy! Going from one bleak setting to another. ;)

I’ve been thinking a LOT of requesting from Mom & Dad “The Walking Dead Compendium 1”. I certainly think that would be rent worthy.

Danica Patrick, what a hottie! ;) She was in 3rd place for almost the entire Daytona 500, then fell back to 8th on the last lap. Blech!

Anyway, off to read more of “The Fountainhead”.



Hot today as well.. Bleh!

Had a nice visit with the folks today. Yummy food. We played to games of Scrabble. Both Mom & Dad won a game each. LOL. Love to say I let them win, but they are playing more often, so they have more practice.

Grandpop is probably not going to last 30 days, so says his physician. Kidneys are shutting down. =/ While I don’t WANT him to pass, he’s live a good life. There comes a time when we all must return to that father in heaven who gave us life.

Who knows? Perhaps I’ll perform Mike’s work on the same day as Grandpop’s. *shrug*

Finished my letter to Ed & mailed it. Told her about my recent trouble with thievery. Hope to hear back from her soon. :)



Was very warm today. Probably a precursor to this summer. Ugh! But, on the bright side, it will be the last summer I have to spend here.

They did a count at 16:30 and 18:30. Weird. Swamp seems to think it’s for them gearing up for 3rd yard. But, then again, Swamp has a theory for everything. =/

Looking forward to seeing folks tomorrow. It’s the highlight of my week.

Received a letter from Ed last night. Also a good thing. Going to write her back tonight.

Still down. Nothing changed there. Bleh! :P

Anyway, off to listen to some music and write Ed.



Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/


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