Prison Ponderings


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I received a letter from Ed last night. Wrote back immediately. Some might say I was lonely.. and they would be correct. =/ It’s nice to hear from her and about the guild. I wish I could be more active in it. I feel guilty, being an absentee officer. =/

Anyway, I also received some books yesterday. I’m already reading “Swan Song“. It’s good, but depressing so far. I mean, how light-hearted can a book about the aftermath of nuclear war be? It’s to be expected.

I was also sent a new journal. It’s physically larger and very nice. :) It’s unlined, which causes me some concern, but I’ll live with it. The secret is to not make lots of journal entries to finish up this one, so I can start on the new one. I can see myself doing that. =/

I had a medical call-out this morning. I thought/hoped it would be w/ Dr. Mayo, so I brought my medical records. Of course, it was just a blood draw. Silly me, for a minute there I actually was deluded into thinking Dr. Mayo gave a shit. Speaking of which, it’s been over a month since I provided my “sample”, and still no word on what the results were, if any.

Anyway, more later… Must fill up this journal. ;)

~S

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The time change was interesting today. LOTS of people “parachuted” out of bed for breakfast this morning. We also had 3rd yard today… for all of about 20 minutes. Mu-hahahahaha.

Fallen from Babel was good… Obviously, as I read it in under 48 hours. Or perhaps it’s just because I didn’t want to be bored out of my skull. =/

My books SHOULD be here tomorrow. The problem is that I have a call out for property at the same time as my group therapy call-out. =( Hopefully I can arrange to pick up my books during 1st yard, or before my group therapy call-out time. Hopefully. *Fingers Crossed*

I’m going to have to get my ears checked when I get out. This having people repeat themselves 4-5 times is REALLY annoying. =(

Anyway, Master Roster Count. More… sometime.

~S

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Very aggravated right now. Can people NOT construct a sentence without using “fucking” within it!?! Ugh!

I mean, I’m not a prude or anything, but this crude language is getting to me. It makes me almost want to cry with how often it’s slung around. It makes me want to sleep, I just want to avoid having to hear every 5th word being “fuckin’ this” and “fuckin’ that”.

Please, Lord, save me from this place. Save me from bashing my skull against the wall, just to escape. Save me from myself. =(

Short today. Having trouble holding it together. Gonna try to read and take my mind out of here.

~S

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I haven’t written for a couple days. Part of me says it’s because I’m running out of pages in this journal. But that’s a lie. There really hasn’t been a lot going on here.

It’s been cold the past couple days. =( I’m very much looking forward to home and windows that seal.

I’ve been fairly melancholy recently. Time seemed to fly by… until I got under a year to go, then the train seemed to slam on the brakes. =/ This sucks.

I’ve been listening to a LOT more classical music on my MP3 player. The classics reach a height of emotion and clarity that make recent music seem juvenile and ill-formed in comparison.

Swamp has been getting on my nerves recently. Almost everything he does causes my blood pressure to skyrocket.

Hell, I’ve been finding myself annoyed by LOTS of things recently. =/

Hopefully books will be here Friday to distract me.

~S

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It was an ok day today. Very quiet for the most part. On the way back from dinner we were locked out for about 10 minutes while 2 inmates were arrested for cell phones.

Great. This is all we need, an excuse for them to raid us more. *eye roll* The main thing that keeps us from being sent back to B-Dorm is that we aren’t pulling the crap that they were pulling.. until now. =/

But, on the bright side, I was able to upgrade from a plastic covered mattress to cloth. Softer and better in the summer. Woot! :)

Anyway, off to read more Star Trek. Hopefully my books will come this Thursday or Friday.

~S

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Finally we were able to get out to the “yard” today. The previous two days we were locked down for yard because of the “cherry picker” on the compound changing out light bulbs in the poles. Why they do this when the days are getting longer (vs winter and shorter) is anyone’s guess. Typical DoC thinking.

Speaking of DoC thinking, I’ve realized the entire system is set up against me, hoping I fail. This isn’t paranoia (and even if it was, I wouldn’t recognize it as such), but a designed effort to set us at odds with staff.

Instead of helping us respect authority, to live within the bounds proscribed, we are ordered around by caricatures of everything that would make us wish to rebel. “Eat now, taste it later!”, “Stand over here. Now over there!”, “No talking in line!”, “Stay to the right of the yellow line!”, “Pick up trash!”, and being yelled at by the most vocal voice in the chow-hall that there should be no talking in the chow-hall.

It teaches us to resent all authority, to look for ways to break the rules, to train us that rules are arbitrarily laid down without a governing reason behind them.

Can you think of anything more at odds with rehabilitation?

~S

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I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

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Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/

-S

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Feeling down all of a sudden. Like, within the past 10 minutes. Hello roller-coaster.

It’s nights like this that are the hardest in here. It’s mostly quiet, so I just have my own thoughts to bang around inside my skull. It’s weird, normally I like the quiet. I’m a fairly solitary individual.

But tonight.. I vacillate between wanting to smash my head against the cinder-block wall, and just crawl under the covers and block out the world.

I miss so much. I miss feeling at peace. I miss a life where things make sense. I miss being surrounded by people who care more about what they can earn than what can be given to them. Or worse, what they can trick people out of. :(

I miss it all. I miss my life.

I miss.

-S

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Not a bad day today, except Ofc. Severs was on the rag. =/ Oh well. I’m gonna treat him like McCreary. He wants attention and to get a rise out of us. The best way to shut him down is to not feed into his power struggle.

Very funny Big Bang tonight. Indy Jones. Truth or Dare. Girls night out. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! ;)

Alternating between reading 1984 and The Fountainhead. Both are not inconsequential reads.

Don’t feel like writing more Ouroboros tonight, so I won’t. Blah! Hehehehehe.

I hope it will be easier to write when I have a keyboard in front of me. =/

Anyway, off to read more of Big Brother.

~S

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