Dreams & Nightmares


Very weird dreams. Last night I dreamed I was part of Dinner: Impossible and was trying to feed the compound of 1,000-plus with 4 filet steaks. Even in my dream, after starting seasoning the steaks, I realized “This is impossible”. I blame talking about Restaurant: Impossible with Mom, and that Longhorn Steakhouse commercial.

Then I took a nap after breakfast and had this really weird dream about a parade where guys had put gauges (big holes) through their penises, and others had zippers in their scrotums. Ewwww.

Then suddenly I had this small stained glass window in a wooden frame, which I was trying to return to my mother. I had to take this long, winding, torch-lit road back to the start of the parade route. During the walk I encountered more weird “exhibits”, but no one obstructed or molested me.

When I found Mom, she was sitting in the bar of an Applebee’s-type restaurant with her friend Joan. Mom had a bowl of cereal w/ milk in it in front of her. It was almost consumed. I think Joan had a chocolate martini or something like that. Then I woke up.

Very weird dream. I’ll write more later. :)




Remembered two dreams I had last night. Weird how they came back to me in the middle of the day. =/

The first was set in our old Langhorne home. I was bringing a female friend home. Not for nookie or anything like that. She wasn’t a girlfriend, I know that. Just a friend who happened to be a girl.

Anyway, she met Elena, who was there for some reason. Then I have to leave the house for some reason. I’m not gone long, maybe 30 minutes. When I come back I find one girl straddling the others lap (I don’t remember who). They are kissing. Some might say lip locked.

I just stand in the doorway, frozen. When I can finally speak, I can just ask “Oh. So this is the way it’s gonna be, huh?” The girl on top breaks the kiss and says, unapologetically, “Yeah, it is.”

That woke me up in the night, I guess it was a nightmare. =/ Even in my dreams I pine for, but can never have, Elena. She’s always just outside my reach. =(

The second dream had me working for Geek Squad again, but Best Buy had gone out of business. So Geek Squad was acquired by Radio Shack, of all outfits.

So it was a busy time in the store, and I’m trying to keep ahead. Suddenly someone tells me the coffin cooler where the milk is stored has failed, and the milk is going to spoil. Yes, in the middle of Radio Shack was a coffin cooler with gallon jugs of milk in it. I feel the jugs and, sure enough, they are just below room temperature. The cooler failed a while ago. All I can think of is “I have no idea how to fix this!”. Yet I know I must, as Radio Shack now sells milk, and I don’t want to let my employer down.

Then I woke up. =/

It’s strange. I never used to remember my dreams. Now I am all of a sudden, and both deal with my being incapable of getting what I want. =(

On the other hand, today I really have an urge to learn how to solder. =/



Three pieces of coffee cake this morning! Yum!!

It’s sad that that can make my morning. =/

Hopefully song credits will be on. Stevie wants new music! Stevie wants new music! (ala “Baby wants Blue Velvet!”)

Realized yesterday that, apart from accidental glances which I could not control, this is the longest I’ve gone without pornography in… God! 20 years. Wow. It’s also the longest I’ve gone without jerking off in 27 years?

You would think that, not having j/o in 6 months, I would be having wet dreams. But I’m not. Perhaps it’s my low-T. Perhaps it’s a tender mercy. Either way, I’m not complaining. :)

It would be difficult in here to have sheets washed more often than once a week, and my OCD wouldn’t allow me to sleep in soiled sheets. Ewwwww.

What a lovely mental image to close a journal entry on, don’t you think? ;)



I had a very weird dream last night. Very weird, and very gay… involving Billy. Thankfully I didn’t dream of myself being a participant. It was some museum-ish place, where you could watch as much porn and live sex as you wanted, but the cost of admission was you had to watch the act at the end of the museum. It was Billy giving and receiving oral sex, then receiving a facial. Ewwwwww! :( Perhaps either Pic or Swamp referred to him as a “cock-sucker” before I fell asleep, and my mind went “Okay!”. *shudder*

That was a bad start to the morning, then, after breakfast, I decided to hook up my MP3 player to the kiosk to see if my ordered music was available. The good news is that it was. The bad news is that I wasn’t supposed to be at the canteen at that time. Oooops! The officer from A-Dorm placed me in handcuffs and wanted to send me to “the box”. Thankfully, Sgt. Campbell intervened and took me to Capt. Reed. After a brief chewing out, which I brown-nosed profusely during, I was released. Whew!

All in all, not a great morning. =/

More about the visit in tonight’s entry.






This will be my final blog entry. I’ve found out that my ex-wife and mother are reading this.

This website was a place for me to put my thoughts.

It’s no longer safe anymore.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.



Just woke up from a dream where Jennifer and I were in a grocery store buying stuff. We both had a craving for some chocolate so we went to the candy bar aisle and started opening packages and stuffing our faces. In the dream it went through my mind that we would have to pay for all this, and I hoped we had enough.

Then I woke up and realized that Jenn hadn’t bugged me in a while about our finances. For a couple seconds I was wondering why, it was unusual for her.

Then it hit me like a Mac truck. Ohhhh, yeahhh….



I just woke up from a dream where I was talking with my mother about Matthew. He is/was my brother who passed away about 17 years ago. At the time of his death I wasn’t thinking too clearly, depressed over losing the love of a girl who I never should have even given the time of day to (funny how history repeats itself, isn’t it?). I was too immature to fully comprehend the magnitude of what had happened. This is what I should have said.

Matthew wasn’t born Matthew, he was born Ronald. He was named after his father. After my mother’s divorce from Ronald and her subsequent marriage to Robert, Ronald was asked if he wanted to change his name as well. Since the children were being adopted their last names would be changing anyway. Being tired of being nick-named “Ronald McDonald”, he took them up on the offer. Ronald ceased to be, and Matthew was born.

Three years later, Matthew became the big brother to someone who would match his former moniker, me. I don’t have a lot of memories of him at home, he enlisted in the Navy when I was still in my toddler years. I shared a room with him and remember a handmade ceramic he made in the form of a knights full face helm, some D&D dice, and his Dragon magazines. My brother was a geek like me. I also remember watching him leave for school one day, walking up the road to the high-school that was about a quarter mile up the road.

Matthew was a good son and loved his family deeply. We would often visit him on base during my childhood and teen years. It was because of him that I learned to SCUBA dive. It was from him that I saw my first porno (Caligula, in case you were wondering). When I was a young teen he invited me with him to a friends house to join in their D&D game, later to join a Star Fleet Battles game. I’m sure I was the annoying kid brother, but he put up with me marvelously.

He nicknamed me schnook, which I always thought to be a term of annoyance, but thanks to the internet can finally see his love for me… and his dry humor.

schnook: an easily imposed-upon or cheated person, a pitifully meek person, a particularly gullible person, a cute or mischievous person or child (perhaps from Yiddish שנוק shnuk ‘snout’; cf. Northern German Schnucke ‘sheep’) (OED)

He was also a spice freak like me. Mom and I often recall how when she accidentally ate a hot pepper from a chinese take-out dish (which caused her to put her mouth under the faucet), Matthew decided that he would try one of these “crunchy little peppers”. He tried to remain stoic, but with tears running down his face after a minute, all he was able to croak out in pain was “They’re not that hot.”

He and his wife put me up for a summer while I was learning to SCUBA dive in Georgia. I was the typical 15 year old teen. I wasn’t all that neat around the house, and I wasn’t too appreciative of their hospitality. It’s only in hindsight that I see what a gift I was given. It was the last time I would ever spend an extended period of time with him.

One regret I have is that my time with him was so short. I was just coming into the age when I would have stopped being the “annoying kid brother”, and just became “the younger brother”.

But I suppose the biggest tragedy is that his children have grown up without knowing him. He was a good man. The only thing he loved more than the Navy was his children. He would have done anything for them. He was an excellent father. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live up to his example, but I hope so.

Matthew – I’m sorry that I couldn’t realize these things when you were alive. You blessed my life in so many ways, some of which I’m just starting to realize. I’m sorry that I didn’t honor your life when it came to an end.

Matthew, I miss you.




I just woke up from a nightmare. I’ve been having them more and more lately.

I was trying to reconcile with Jennifer, this must have been just after we separated. It seemed to be set on college campus and I kept trying to find her. No mater which dorm room I went in, she wasn’t there. It was like I was always one step behind her. What’s worse is that she knew I was following her, and took steps to throw me off the trail. I distinctly remember checking room 264.

Finally, in room 564 I found her. Put the key in the lock, open the door and just see her under the covers with a guy on top of her, also under the covers. Right when the door opens he said “Please don’t tell my parents!”

I remember sitting on a bed on the other side of the wall and  hearing them and feeling my bed vibrate with his thrusts into her on the other side of the wall. I remember thinking “Dear God.”, and feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.

I never used to have nightmares. Never. Now it seems like I wake up from one at least once a week.

Gonna head back to bed. Hope that I don’t have another one. =/