What Steve Thinks About

It’s been a really long time since I’ve updated this blog. But, I’m paying for the hosting, so I might as well use it, right?

Well, a brief update on the life of a sex-offender just trying to make it in the world:

1. Steve got his degree. Yay! Go me! I’ve been employed in an office for a little over two years now.
2. Steve got married to a wonderful woman who means everything to him. I’m so happy and content.
3. Steve welcomed two furry babies into the world. Well, not babies.. grown cats.. but they are his fur-children.

So, as far as the blog is concerned, I’m going to TRY to update this blog at least once a day. I’m just catching the February 2013 writings, so I figured this would be a good time to jump back on the wagon.

I’ve been noticing something since I started transcribing my prison entries. I’ve been kinda pissy and snippy. Also depressed. I guess re-reading them is having an emotional toll on me. I should stop… but I won’t.

I guess it’s the hight of hubris to think that one man’s prison experience is noteworthy. Hundreds are imprisoned every day nationwide. But… well, not to sound full of myself, I feel I have a way with words. I feel I really could convey and impart in a meaningful way the damage done to a psyche by incarceration.

SPOILER ALERT

Though, if I’m affected by this, I dread how I’ll feel when I have to transcribe the two attacks by prison officials against me, and the eight months of psychological torture by a cell-mate. =(

END SPOILER ALERT

I guess it’s just something that I’ll have to endure.

~S

Those who have stumbled across this blog, you’ll notice that there have been a dearth of updates in about 3 years. This isn’t because Steve forgot about the blog, quite the opposite in fact. But life interfered in a big way of his being unable to put his thoughts online.

You see, Steve was a guest of the state for a while. But he didn’t forget about recording his thoughts. He recorded them while he was “on the inside”. Now it’s just a matter of transcribing them and putting them up. So you’ll see some backdated entries going up in a bit. Some will be lighthearted, most will just be a glimpse into how his mind processes life, and some will be VERY serious and painful.

It’s going to be a hell of a ride.

Now, the big question, why is Steve referring to himself in the third person?

-S

A thought occurred to me while watching “Jerry Springer”. (I know, such high-brow entertainment!)

Erina has chosen to estrange herself from myself and my parents. Myself I can somewhat understand, even if I don’t agree with it. But to cut off Mom & Dad is stupidity.

Not only have they done nothing to deserve it, but they are the last link she has to her father, besides myself. Sooner or later she’s going to want to learn of him. Her time is limited, as is all of ours. If she doesn’t want to speak to me, she NEEDS to talk to them. KFC was too young to really remember him, Karen is too loopy, I think, to be a credible source. Her mother is also a biased source.

If it was just her ass, so to speak, on the line, I would say she reaps what she sows. But Matthew deserved better than that. He deserves to be remembered. His children should know him. =/

~S

I’m tired of this crap. Every day the same as another, with no hope of moving forward. I’m surrounded by idiots who are not interested in expanding themselves. They view me as weak, and I’m not! Part of me wants to fight, even if I lose, just so people can see I have a breaking point.

I was thinking the other day about how hurt I am that Elena abandoned me for all intents and purposes. I know I screwed up, I know I broke the law, but her not even writing so I can explain my side of the story is a level of cold I didn’t know she was capable of. Especially at me, who would have gone through hell for her. It’s like kicking the crippled puppy because it can’t fetch the ball. (Damn, that analogy bummed me out!)

On the other hand, am I any better? All “Badger” wanted to do was love me. Yet I’m scared of becoming husband #5. =/ She, admittedly, does not have the best track record with relationships. Also, the fact that we had such wildly different faiths concerned me more than I thought it would. =(

Perhaps it’s better for everyone if I live out my days alone. =/

-S

Hot today as well.. Bleh!

Had a nice visit with the folks today. Yummy food. We played to games of Scrabble. Both Mom & Dad won a game each. LOL. Love to say I let them win, but they are playing more often, so they have more practice.

Grandpop is probably not going to last 30 days, so says his physician. Kidneys are shutting down. =/ While I don’t WANT him to pass, he’s live a good life. There comes a time when we all must return to that father in heaven who gave us life.

Who knows? Perhaps I’ll perform Mike’s work on the same day as Grandpop’s. *shrug*

Finished my letter to Ed & mailed it. Told her about my recent trouble with thievery. Hope to hear back from her soon. :)

-S

Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/

-S

This visit with parents went very well. :) Yummy food. They might visit again tomorrow, but Dad cautions not to count on it. Mom is avoiding the stake conference, so they are free. But, the unstated thought was that visiting me is not exactly cheap. Disney food prices without the Disney fun. :/

Nose is healing. I think in a couple days you won’t even be able to tell I faceplanted. Nose is stuffy though. So might be coming down with something. Actually, it alternates between running and being stuffy, as if it can’t make up its mind.

Had a growing urge to pick back up “Ouroboros” recently. Re-read it tonight. Not as bad as I thought it was, regarding writing or how it was left off. I can definitely see how to pick up the thread again. But, do I want to? It endangers my sobriety, but is it better to get it out of my head? I know purging the JoJ story helped a lot.

Probably pick it back up, but not certain. Must think about it further.

~S

Didn’t journal yesterday. Mania was in full force.

Which also meant I didn’t talk about the great faceplant of February 2013. ;) Nose is still sensitive. Left palm is sore. Right edge of hand sore. Good thing I’ve given up jerking off while in prison. Hehehehe. Also, left pinky still complaining from the “bite” my locker gave it.

All-in-all, not a good day for Steve’s body. Yet I was still in an overjoyed mood.

On a more positive note, parents should be visiting me today! Yay! Hehehehehe. I’m sure their first reaction to my nose is to ask if it collided with a fist. ;)

Oh!, and I also “had my ears lowered”. Very drafty now. lol

Oh! x2, also received my colored pencils yesterday. Expensive, but worth it.

Anyway, gonna read and relax until called for “viso”.

~S

Happy V-day to me. 53 weeks to go!! Hehehehe

It was a pretty good day today. Quiet and uneventful. Just the way I like it. Rained in the afternoon, but sadly no thunderstorms. Oh well, can’t have everything. :/

I’m looking forward to Mom & Dad visiting on Saturday. Not just for the food, though that is a bonus. :)

Begged money off family. Hope to put it to good use. Colored pencils should be in my possession tomorrow. Very much looking forward to that.

I feel my mania coming on. Also feel like I’m burning my candle at both ends. Started out this entry fine, but suddenly growing weary. Gonna sleep.

~S