Happy 1-year to go. This time next year I SHOULD be at home.

But it feels like an eternity. =/ The saying is “Do the time, don’t let the time do you”. Right now, the time is most certainly doing me. :(

I try to project a happy exterior. Cheerful and up. But, truth be told, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve played this role for so long… where does the role end and Stephen begin? I feel like I’ve been dying piece by piece for years. There’s nothing left.

Worse, if I let my mask slip, I feel like I’m betraying those around me. My upbeat, optimistic, ready with a smile persona helps (I think/hope) to life others spirits. A ray of sunshine in a gloomy local, if you will.

This is killing me, but do I dare be selfish to preserve myself and sacrifice others?

Martyr syndrome still intact. =/



Feeling down all of a sudden. Like, within the past 10 minutes. Hello roller-coaster.

It’s nights like this that are the hardest in here. It’s mostly quiet, so I just have my own thoughts to bang around inside my skull. It’s weird, normally I like the quiet. I’m a fairly solitary individual.

But tonight.. I vacillate between wanting to smash my head against the cinder-block wall, and just crawl under the covers and block out the world.

I miss so much. I miss feeling at peace. I miss a life where things make sense. I miss being surrounded by people who care more about what they can earn than what can be given to them. Or worse, what they can trick people out of. :(

I miss it all. I miss my life.

I miss.



The Annual Scientific Inquiry into Santa Claus:

1. No know species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household – that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which of course we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 1.255 km per household, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once in 31 hours … plus feeding himself and the reindeer etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 1302 km/sec or 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 44.09 km/sec – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 24 km/hr.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego Set (0.9 kg), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa that is who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 136 kg. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see Point 1) could pull 10 times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight – or even nine – reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload, not even counting the weight of the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again – for comparison – this is four times the weight of the QE2.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 1032 km/sec creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 113 kg Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 1,957,290.8 kgs of force. In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.


Well, it’s be a couple inhering days. Ashley and I are through… I’m pretty sure about that. It’s kinda hard to have a friendship, let alone a relationship, when someone tells you the reason they haven’t called is because they have nothing positive to say to you.

I’ve packer her things. I was gonna give them to her today, but I hesitated. Perhaps I don’t wanna put that nail in the proverbial coffin. =/

Dark thoughts are back, but I’m able to control them for the most part.

I hate being a 36 year old guy living at home w/ his parents. =(

Anyway, I should get ready for bed. I have to be up in 7 hours to get ready for work.



Ashley didn’t call or text me at all yesterday. I have a feeling that is my answer. I’m supposed to pick her up today. I just texted her. No reply as of yet. If she doesn’t text me back, it will REALLY be my answer. =/

That, and if we can’t coordinate, she can’t be picked up.

Oh well.


Now playing: Inro Joo, Czech National Symphony OrchestraChapter 15 – Annales of Atreia: Main Theme


So Ashley and I talked yesterday. The term –  “All Quiet on the Western Front” leaps to mind. We didn’t really make up… but at least we are speaking.

I still don’t think she’s “the one”… but maybe I’m being too selective? Anyway, since she doesn’t feel like we talk.. I spoke to her Friday. Shut me down. I spoke to her Saturday, she didn’t really talk. So now I have a little test.

Let’s see how long it takes her to either text me or call me. :/ I’ll know by that if she’s given up on us, or if she wants to make it work.

I know, I know… don’t test the ones you care for. But I feel like she opened this can of worms, now she has to live by the same rules she wants me to.



Now playing: Inro Joo, Czech National Symphony OrchestraChapter 15 – Annales of Atreia: Main Theme


It feels weird to be writing in this journal again, especially considering the subject matter…

Ashley and I are fighting. It’s strange that it doesn’t really upset me all that much. Do I wish we weren’t? Certainly. Do I consider my world in jeopardy because we are fighting? Certainly not.

I guess I saw it coming. Maybe I helped to speed it along, I don’t know. It just seems that every time I speak to Ashley over the past 10 days, she’s always been complaining. So, I chose to limit my discussions with her.

Complaining about her sister.
Complaining about finding an apartment.
Complaining about her new room-mate.
Complaining about the utilities.
Complaining about her job.
Complaining about me not talking to her.
Complaining that when I do talk, it’s not “real”.

I’m just so fed up with it. I’m not really a complainer, so she brings me down when she is always complaining.

Anyway, must get ready for work.



Damn! It looks like the ink bleeds through to the next page. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to alternate pages until I figure out a solution.

Spent most of the day playing Aion. It’s a nice departure from World of Warcraft. The world seems more vibrant & larger. I don’t know.. WoW just seems kinda worn out after all these years. Ken was right, there really is nothing different about it anymore. One quest is like all the others.

Ashley and I haven’t been spending a whole lot of time together. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. She’s a wonderful girl, but I don’t think she’s “the one”. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I want to settle down again.

Not that I’m whoring it up.. I just don’t feel the need to pair off with anyone. =/

Anyway, I have to get up for work in 5 hours. I should probably get some rest. More later.



I’ve recently been having very dark thoughts. This is especially strange, as I really haven’t been feeling all that depressed.

I was driving in the car on Monday, on my way to work when I started planning out my suicide.

It was very vivid –  place, when, how… I pictured my brains splattered on the tile, slowly oozing down the wall. The sound of the gunshot reverberating through the store, seeing the blood drain from Mark’s face.. the frantic calls to corporate & district….

As I said, very vivid.

Anyway, this journal should help me sort through my feelings.. that’s the idea at least.



Can’t sleep. Haven’t written in a while. Been texting Elena a LOT over the past couple days. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

She’s still with Nicole. I hate to be jealous. I know I have no right to be, but I am. The thought of her in someone else’s arms, male or female, drives me crazy.

But I can’t change that she loves someone else at the moment. I want to be happy for her… but in my heart I’m not. I guess that makes me a bad person.

Right now I’m trying to that thought out of my mind and be the best friend I can be… but it hurts. She knows she’s driving me crazy, and at times I think she enjoys the hold she has over me. I know know if that’s good or bad.

I think I’ve fallen in love with her.

I think I’m gonna get hurt.

I think it might be worth it anyway.


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