(Grrr… ecto ate my last post. Lemme see if I can recreate it)
(Also, I hope, once you start reading, you will understand why I have chosen to make these posts in small, bite-size installments. It’s difficult to write about this.)
For those of you who have been following this blog, you know that I’ve battled some pretty dark demons for a while now. There have been situations in my life that I’m not happy about, and things happening that I feel powerless to change.
It was because of this, and a few other reasons I won’t talk about, that I decided to end my life. As you can tell it wasn’t successful, but I felt I need to get these thoughts out in the open. Hopefully it will also stand as a warning to others who feel the same way.
First, know that this was not a spur of the moment decision. I had thought and planned out how to end my life. I had gathered the implements of my hoped destruction weeks, sometimes months, in advance. In most respects I am impulsive, this was methodical and exacting.
How to bring my life to an end was, of course, the primary focus. Out of a myriad of ways, I had narrowed the options down to three possible ways.
First I thought of simply unbuckling my seat belt while driving and just plowing into either a guard-rail or tree. This appealed because it would probably be quick and relatively pain-less. I eventually ruled it out when I realized the margin of either ending up a vegetable or paralyzed was too high.
Second I considered the typical hanging scenario. I really considered this one, to the extent of fashioning a noose. I hope no one ever has to experience it, but I can tell you it’s a weird feeling standing in a home-improvement store trying to pick out which rope to hang yourself with. What type of rope would support my weight? What type was flexible enough to actually tie into a hangman’s noose. Which material wouldn’t chafe my skin?
Yes, I actually picked out a type of rope that would make a comfortable hangman’s noose, as if there could be such a thing. I think this tells you how clear I was thinking at the time. =/
Eventually I eliminated hanging myself because I couldn’t be sure of how to do it to ensure my neck snapped cleanly versus dying by asphyxiation. I also didn’t want my family to come home and find me hanging by the rafters.
I finally decided upon a caffeine overdose. From what I had read, an overdose of caffeine SHOULD make me pass out. While I was passed out, it should then make my heart go into ventricular fibrillation. In effect, give me a heart attack while I was unconscious. A quick, painless death. Sounded exactly like the way to go.
I ordered the caffeine powder (which is the most rapid absorption versus pills or massive amounts of soda/coffee) on October 8th, 2011. It’s amazing what you can find on Amazon, isn’t it? I was surprised at how little this implement of destruction cost. Ten dollars to end my life.
Then all I had to do was wait for an opportunity to put my plan into action. All too soon, I saw my chance. My family would be going out-of-town shortly before Christmas. I would be alone.
I was ready to put my plan into action.
Next Post: I become the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Idiots.