I’m not sure what to write here. What is the proper verbage for a suicide note? Do I try to crack jokes? Do I be all glum and depressing?

No. I will write like I lived my life. Depressed in portions, but with manically joyful interludes. Please excuse me if I quote movies or crack a sarcastic comment, but it is my show after all.

If all goes according to plan, this post should appear after I have passed on. Hopefully I was successful. If I was not, I want my wishes known that I do not wish ANY heroic means to be taken on my behalf. If I have been placed on any life-support devices prior to this letter being discovered, my wish is to have those disconnected immediately. Even though my loved ones might not agree with my decision to end my life, I ask them to respect my wishes.

I’m sure that many are confused and hurt by my decision to end my life. I wish I could save each of you the grief you are no doubt experiencing. I know it doesn’t count for much right now, but I want you to know I did not reach this decision lightly. While I vehemently wish the circumstances were different, choices are being made which will render my quality of life unlivable.

I wish my life, and my death, to stand as notice to present and future lawmakers. The system you have put into place leaves no gray area, no consideration for victim-less crimes. Whatever I might, or might not have done, is no longer relevant. I have placed myself beyond your reach. The penalty I was facing was far in excess of any crime I might have committed. Minimum of 8 1/2 years (with a lifetime registration) to a maximum of 135 years?

What I was accused of was a victim-less crime. I neither endorsed, condoned, or advised anyone to perform any actions. I neither compensated, nor was compensated, by anyone.

I stood accused of looking at pictures and videos that were available on the internet. Even if I were guilty of what the state says I am, you must remember that I was alone in my room. I was neither harming, nor harmed by anyone.

Judge that in relation to those individuals who are accused and convicted of actual harmful interactions with a child. I remember reading a story in the local paper about two men who took upskirt pictures of a 9 year-old girl. Convicted. Their sentence? Probation. That’s IT. Notice I didn’t say they had to register as sex offenders, because they didn’t.

Yet I have felt the full weight and power of the state of Florida upon my back. For allegedly looking at pictures and a couple of videos.

In what way does this make any semblance of sense?

This penalty is out of all proportion to any alleged crime I might have committed. It is too much to bear. I refuse to bear it.

Lawmakers: I’m sure I’m not the first, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. Most of whom you accuse are good, decent, hardworking individuals who may have made bad choices. I count myself among them. Yet your system leaves no room for not only the state of mind of the accused, but also their ability to harm the public at large. Such inflexible totality by a government cannot stand.

We therefor reject your sense of morality, and we reject your control over us. The restrictions you seek to impose upon us constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

What was once a law set to protect the public at large has morphed into a scarlet letter.

I refuse to wear this mark of shame. I don’t want to die, but I would rather die than submit myself to such an onerous law. By the time this post goes public, I hope my attempt is successful.

I take this action not out of fear of facing the consequences of any supposed wrong doing, but because the penalty proposed would strip my life of any meaning and value. Rather than have the state destroy me, I perform this final act as a defiance against the tyranny imposed upon me by an unjust government.

Now I speak to my friends and family, for they are the true victims here. Even more so than myself.

Mom & Dad – This was not your fault. I know the initial reaction you will have is to ask if you could have done more. You couldn’t. You have supported me in ways I never expected. Some parents would wash their hands of a child under these circumstances, but you didn’t. Yes, you have supported me financially. But more importantly, you have supported me emotionally. You are the best parents I could have ever hoped for. This is not your fault. This is the fault of overzealous lawmakers and far sweeping legislation. I feel this is the only course left me that would allow my life to have meaning. From the time of that fateful June morning, this has been on the horizon. I had hoped the storm would pass me by, but it was not to be. As Charles Dickens wrote, “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known”.

To my friends in Off the Air – You have been more than friends to me, you have been a family. When I was feeling depressed or down, just listening and talking to you brought my mood up. Thank you. You have helped me in so many way, I couldn’t even begin to count.

To my friends and former co-workers at Best Buy – We shared some wonderful times together. I wish I had left under different circumstances, but it was not in the cards. Master Yoda must now become one with The Force.

To my sister, Karen – I’m sorry that our relationship wasn’t better. I’m sorry that I always kept you at arm’s length. You are a loving, wonderful sister. I wish that I was able to get over my anxiety and know you better. I’m sorry.

To Jennifer – I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better husband to you. In retrospect, I realize that I undermined our marriage at every opportunity. I used to blame you, or at least want to share the blame equally. I know that I left you no other choice but divorce. I don’t blame you for anything. Thank you for sharing your life with me.

Elena – Perhaps it’s best that I never got my wish and was able to date you. Maybe we could have had something. I don’t know. What I do know is that you don’t deserve to be involved in any of this. Thank you for being my friend, and for letting me down easy.

To Chuck/Christine/Andrew – I wish we had been able to get to know each other more as adults. You were great friends to me as a teen. Though our lives have gone in different directions, I want you to know that I’ve treasured the time we shared.

If I’ve missed anyone else, I’m sorry. You can imagine the mental confusion and turmoil that I am going through at the moment. If you’ve known me, you know how you’ve affected me.

To everyone, please remember the good times we’ve shared. Though I might be departing this world a little ahead of schedule, I hope it doesn’t diminish how I hopefully have enriched your life, and how you have enriched mine.

Finally, being a geek, I leave you with what I hope is similar to what I will find on the other side of the veil.

Pippin Took: I didn’t think it would end this way.
Gandalf the White: End? No, the journey doesn’t end here. Death is just another path. One that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass… then you see it!
Pippin Took: What? Gandalf? See what?
Gandalf the White: White shores… and beyond. A far green country, under a swift sunrise.
Pippin Took: Well, that isn’t so bad.
Gandalf the White: No… no, it isn’t.

-Stephen