NOTE: I’d prefer to delete this, but you asked to see this. I’m fine right now. Really. :) 01/17/2012

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How could I leave without saying goodbye to you?

Due to your situation, I didn’t want this part made public. Only you should be able to see it.

First, by the time you read this I should have made you a co-author on my blog. You will have access to see everything, and control on putting up any new posts, as well as taking down old ones. It’s up to you how you wish to use this. I will have deleted my password for this blog from my system, so my parents won’t be able to change anything. They will want their son’s suicide note to come down, but I believe it should remain a testament to the public on what the laws of protection are doing to un-convicted defendants.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t share this with you in life. The system is set up that if I wanted to protect my ass, the fewer people who knew the better. I couldn’t even talk to my parents about it. For almost three years I’ve suffered in silence. You have no comprehension the number of times I wanted to tell you, needed to tell you. But I couldn’t. Perhaps my greatest fear would be if you had been assigned to transcribe a deposition about my case. =/

I’m sorry that I was forced to take this path. I really didn’t want to. I held off as long as I could, but I felt the time had come when no other paths were left open to me.

I may have made some mistakes. Hell, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Now you know why I was always beating myself up. My damned sense of morality and honor was kicking my teeth in every chance it could.

I’m sorry that I won’t get to hold you in my arms. That I won’t get to see the kids grow up. That we will never get the chance to sit on the porch swing and just enjoy the evening air. All that has been stolen from you. From us. I’m sorry.

I want you to know that I truly, fiercely, desperately love you. I’ve said it before, you loved me when I felt un-lovable. You loved me when I didn’t even love myself.

You were a single, shining, radiant point of light to me. To my last breath, I will thank whatever higher power there is that you came into my life.

I love you. Now. Forever.

“… comes the end of our Fellowship. I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.”

-S