I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. What have I contributed to the world? Have I made a difference? What does my future hold?

I’ved come to some stark realizations. I haven’t contributed anything. Sure, I’ve survived.. but what does that mean anymore? Yes, I continue to draw breath, convert oxygen to carbon dioxide. So maybe I’ve saved a plant or two. But so does the average sheep.

Have I made a difference? Nope. I know I had potential. I know people say I’m smart. Maybe I am. But I haven’t done anything with that. Nothing at all. I’m a divorced man 36-year old man, living with mommy and daddy. How pathetic. I work a job that more and more looks like a monkey could do it. The sad part? I actually enjoy it usually.

What does my future hold? I have no idea. I don’t even know if I hope to have a future.

Every night I drive home from work with my window down (have I mentioned that living in Florida in the summer with no AC and only 1 window that rolls down SUCKS?), and part of me hopes I’ll be car jacked. I figure one of three things will happen.

1) I’ll get shot or stabbed because I won’t hand over my car. I’ll actually dare them to kill me. =/ Just to release me from this husk of a life.

2) I’ll piss or shit myself.

3) I’ll be a smart ass and try to grab the persons arm and accelerate. I must admit a perverse amusement to this idea, seeing how fast they can run as I turn the tables on them.

Yes, I know I’m depressed. I don’t like having these thoughts. I’ve had them for over 6 months.

I put on a happy face. Rarely do I let people know that I’m dying inside, and long for the outside to match the inside.

I know I should get help. I know these feelings will lead me to a dark place where no good can come of it.

I just don’t care anymore. About me or about life. Let the rest of the populace scurry about for their cheese. I just want to punch my time card and leave.

Can I get my parking validated?